And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are signs for those who reflect. [ Quran 30:21 ]
Islam brought women from the position of chattel in marriage to that of equal partners. In the matter of divorce, she changed from a completely impotent bystander, to one who could initiate divorce proceedings and claim her rights of dowry and inheritance. From a position of legal nonetity, she became a legal personality in the full sense of the term, able to hold property, entitled to a just share of her husband's and family's inhereitance property. Socially, with education equally required of her as well as of every man by Islam, she rose to a position of social and cultural influences and service. Even in religio-cultic practices and duties, woman was asked and expected to play a role equal to that of man, insofar as her special physical characteristics and maternal duties allowed. -- Lois Lamya Al-Faruqi Women, Muslim Society and Islam
MARRIAGE IN ISLAM.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Islam, unlike other religions is a strong advocate of marriage. There is no place for celibacy like, for example the Roman Catholic priests and nuns. The prophet (pbuh) has said "there is no celibacy in Islam.
Marriage is a religious duty and is consequently a moral safeguard as well as a social necessity. Islam does not equal celibacy with high "taqwa" / "Iman". The prophet has also said, "Marriage is my tradition who so ever keeps away there from is not from amongst me".
Marriage acts as an outlet for sexual needs and regulate it so one does not become a slave to his/ her desires.
It is a social necessity because through marriage, families are established and the family is the fundamental unit of our society. Furthermore, marriage is the only legitimate or halal way to indulge in intimacy between a man and a woman.
Islam takes a middle of the road position to sexual relations , it neither condemns it like certain religions, nor does it allow it freely. Islam urges us to control and regulate our desires, whatever they may be so that we remain dignified and not become like animals.
The purpose of Marriage.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The word "zawj" is used in the Qur'an to mean a pair or a mate. In general it usage refers to marriage. The general purpose of marriage is that the sexes can provide company to one another, love to one another, procreate children and live in peace and tranquility to the commandments of Allah.
* Marriage serves as a means to emotional and sexual gratification and as a means of tension reduction. It is also a form of Ibadah because it is obeying Allah and his messenger - i.e. Marriage is seen as the only possible way for the sexes to unite. One could choose to live in sin, however by choosing marriage one is displaying obedience to Allah.
Marriage is "mithaq" - a solemn covenant (agreement). It is not a matter which can be taken lightly. It should be entered into with total commitment and full knowledge of what it involves. It is not like buying a new dress where you can exchange it if you don't like it. Your partner should be your choice for life. One should be mature enough to understand the demands of marriage so that the union can be a lasting one. For a marriage to be valid certain conditions must be met.
1) consent of both parties.
2) " Mahr" a gift from the groom to his bride.
3) Witnesses- 2 male or female.
4) The marriage should be publicized, it should never be kept secret as it leads to suspicion and troubles within the community.
Is Marriage obligatory?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
According to Imams Abu Hanifah, Ahmad ibn Hanbal and Malik ibn Anas, marriage is recommendatory, however in certain individuals it becomes wajib/obligatory. Imam Shaafi'i considers it to be nafl or mubah (preferable). The general opinion is that if a person, male or female fears that if he/she does not marry they will commit fornication, then marriage becomes "wajib". If a person has strong sexual urges then it becomes "wajib" for that person to marry. Marriage should not be put off or delayed especially if one has the means to do so.
A man, however should not marry if he or she does not possess the means to maintain a wife and future family, or if he has no sex drive or if dislikes children, or if he feels marriage will seriously affect his religious obligation.
The general principle is that prophet (pbuh) enjoined up in the followers to marry.
He said "when a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion , so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half." This hadith is narrated by Anas. Islam greatly encourages marriage because it shields one from and upholds the family unit which Islam places great importance.
Selection of a partner:
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
The choice of a partner should be the one with the most "taqwa" (piety). The prophet recommended the suitors see each other before going through with marriage. It is unreasonable for two people to be thrown together and be expected to relate and be intimate when they know nothing of each other. The couple are permitted to look at each other with a critical eye and not a lustful one. This ruling does not contradict the ayah which says that believing men and women should lower their gaze.
- The couple, however are not permitted to be alone in a closed room or go out together alone. As the hadith says "when a man and a woman are together alone, there is a third presence i.e. shaitan.
- There is no concept of courtship in Islam as it is practised in the west. There is no dating or living in defacto relationship or trying each other out before they commit to each other seriously. There is to be no physical relationship what so ever before marriage. The romantic notions that young people often have, have proven in most cases to be unrealistic and harmful to those involved. We only have to look at the alarming divorce rate in the west to understand this point. e.g. the couple know each other for years, are intimate, live together and so on yet somehow this does not guarantee the success of the future marriage. Romance and love simply do not equal a everlasting bond between two people.
Fact: Romance and love die out very quickly when we have to deal in the real world. The unrealistic expectations that young people have is what often contributes to the failure of their relationship.
- The west make fun of the Islamic way of marriage in particular arranged marriage, yet the irony is that statistically arranged marriages prove to be more successful and lasting than romantic types of courtship.
This is because people are blinded by the physical attraction and thus do not choose the compatible partner.
Love blinds people to potential problems in the relationship. There is an Arabic saying: which says "the mirror of love is blind, it makes zucchini into okra". Arranged marriages on the other hand, are based not on physical attraction or romantic notions but rather on critical evaluation of the compatibility of the couple.
This is why they often prove successful.
Consent of parties.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
There is a halal arranged marriage and a haram one. It is OK to arrange marriages by suggestion and recommendation as long as both parties are agreeable. The other arranged marriage is when parents choose the future spouse and the couple concerned are forced or have no choice in the matter.
One of the conditions of a valid marriage is consent of the couple.
Marriage by definition is a voluntary union of two people.
The choice of a partner by a Muslim virgin girl is subject to the approval of the father or guardian under Maliki school. This is to safeguard her welfare and interests. The prophet said "the widow and the divorced woman shall not be married until she has consented and the virgin shall not be married until her consent is obtained. The prophet did revoke the marriage of a girl who complained to him that her father had married her against her wishes.
The husband/wife relationship.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
-The wifes rights - the Husbands obligations.
(1) Maintenance
The husband is responsible for the wifes maintenance. This right is established by authority of the Qur'an and the sunnah. It is inconsequen tial whether the wife is a Muslim , non-Muslim, rich, poor, healthy or sick. A component of his role as "qawam" (leader) is to bear the financial responsibility of the family in a generous way so that his wife may be assured security and thus perform her role devotedly.
The wifes maintenance entails her right to lodging, clothing, food and general care, like medication, hospital bills etc. He must lodge her where he resides himself according to his means. The wifes lodge must be adequate so as to ensure her privacy, comfort and independence.
If a wife has been used to a maid or is unable to attend to her household duties, it is the husbands duty to provide her with a maid if he can afford to do so. The prophet is reported to have said: The best Muslim is one who is the best husband.
(2) "Mahr "
The wife is entitled to a marriage gift that is her own. This may be prompt or deferred depending on the agreement between the parties. A marriage is not valid without mahr. It does not have to be money or gold. It can be non-material like teaching her to read the Qur'an. " Mahr" is a gift from the groom to the bride. This is the Islamic law, unlike some cultures whereby the brides parents pay the future husband to marry the daughter. This practice degrades women and is contrary to the spirit of Islam. There is no specification in the Qur'an as to what or how much the Mahr has to be. It depends on the parties involved.
(3) Non-material rights.
A husband is commanded by the law of Allah to treat his wife with equity, respect her feelings and show kindness and consideration, especially if he has another wife. The prophet last sermon stresses kindness to women.
The wife obligations - the Husbands rights.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
One of the main duties of the wife is to contribute to the success and blissfulness of the marriage. She must be attentive to the comfort and wellbeing of her husband. The Qur'anic ayah which illustrates this point is:
"Our lord, grant us wives and offspring who will be the apples of our eyes and guide us to be models for the righteous"
The wife must be faithful, trustworthy and honest she must not deceive her husband by deliberately avoiding contraception. She must not allow any other person to have access to that which is exclusively the husband right i.e. sexual intimacy. She must not receive or entertain strange males in the house without his knowledge and consent. She should not be alone with a strange male. She should not accept gifts from other men without his approval. This is meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion and gossip. The husband possessions are her trust. She may not dispose of his belongings without his permission.
A wife should make herself sexually attractive to her husband and be responsive to his advances. The wife must not refuse her husband sexually as this can lead to marital problems and worse still - tempt the man to adultery. The husband of course should take into account the wifes health and general consideration should be given.
Obedience.
^^^^^^^^^
The purpose of obedience in the relationship is to keep the family unit running as smoothly as possible. The man has been given the right to be obeyed because he is the leader and not because he is superior. If a leader is not obeyed , his leadership will become invalid -Imagine a king or a teacher or a parent without the necessary authority which has been entrusted to them.
Obedience does not mean blind obedience. It is subject to conditions:
(a) It is required only if what is asked from the wife is within the permissible categories of action.
(b) It must be maintained only with regard to matters that fall under the husband rights.
==========================================================================
I S L A M I C D A ' W A H N E T
"And hold fast all together, by the rope of Allah, and be not divided
among yourselves."
(Al-Qur'aan, Aal 'Imraan, 103)
===========================================================================
May this forwarded article benefits us all, INshaallah
Copyright 1993,1994 Asim Mughal (mughal@caltech.edu)
Redistribution for profit, or in altered content/format
prohibited without explicit written permission of the author.
Any other redistribution must include this copyright notice and
attribution.
Frequently Asked Questions: Part 7
__________________________________
This message is automatically posted to 'soc.religion.islam'
every month and when updated. This lists answers to most
commonly asked questions on the forum. Contributions & changes
are requested and should be directed to: mughal@caltech.edu
OVERVIEW: The Frequently Asked Questions document for
soc.religion.islam has been divided in parts. Below is the
index.
Part 1 - Welcome & Index
Part 2 - Info on soc.religion.islam
Part 3 - Introduction to Islam
Part 4 - God & Worship
Part 5 - Islam, Quran & Muhammad (PBUH)
Part 6 - Prophethood and Jesus
Part 7 - Marriage Laws & Women In Islam
Part 8 - Life after Death, Moral System & Human rights in Islam
Part 9 - Islamic Resources on Internet
Part 10 - Islamic Literature: Books & Video
________________________________________________________
PART 7: Marriage Laws & Women In Islam
Contents
--Articles--
1. Marriage ........................................................ from IINN
2. Duties & Rights After Marriage .................................. from IINN
3. Hijab (Veil) and Muslim Women ...................... from Ms.Naheed Mustafa
4. Women In Islam .................................................. from IINN
5. Who Practices Polygamy? ........................................ from III&E
Articles .....................................................................
1. Marriage ........................................................ from IINN
Spouses:
Allah, most Gracious says about spouses in Quran:
Among His signs is [the fact] that He has created spouses for you among
yourselves so that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has
planted love and mercy between you; In that are signs for people who
reflect. Qur'an [30 : 21]
He has planted affection and mercy between you. Qur'an [30: 12] and
says:
They are a garment for you and you are a garment to them. Qur'an [2 :
187]
Consider this in conjunction with the following verse:
The best garment is the garment of God-consciousness Qur'an [7 : 26]
It requires that a husband and wife should be as garments for each
other. Just as garments are for protection, comfort, show and
concealment for human beings, Allah expects husbands and wives to be for
one another.
And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends of one another;
they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship
and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger; as for
those, Allah will have mercy on them; Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise. Allah
hath promised to believers - men and women - gardens underwhich rivers
flow, to dwell therein, and beautiful mansions in gardens of everlasting
bliss; but the greatest bliss is the good pleasure of Allah: This is the
supreme felicity.
Qur'an [9 : 71 - 72]
Whom to marry:
Allah also gives us freedom and urges us to:
...Marry the women of your choice... Qur'an [4 : 3] Similarly, for the
women:
"A girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and informed him that
her father had married her to her cousin against her wishes, whereupon
the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. She then said, 'I am
reconciled to what my father did but I wanted to make it known to women
that fathers have no say in this matter'". - Hadith narrated by Ibn
Majah
Narrated Abdullah: "We were with the Prophet, peace be upon him, while
we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle, peace be
upon him, said, `O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should
marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and
whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his
sexual power.'"
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `A woman is
married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her
beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman
[otherwise] you will be a loser.'"
MAHR:
Mahr is the gift that is given by the husband to his wife at wedding. It
can be anything in any amount, as agreed by the bride and bride-groom.
Allah says about Mahr in the Chapter `Woman' in Quran:
And give the women (on marriage) their Mahr as a free gift. Qur'an [4 :
4]
If you had given the latter a cantar (of gold i.e. a great amount) for
dower (Mahr) take not the least bit of it back ... Qur'an [4 : 20]
Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said to a man,
`Marry, even with (a Mahr equal to) an iron ring.'"
INTIMACY:
Intimacy is seen as an act of procreation. An eye for the what is about
to come is kept open in this respect as well. The following prayer
reminds us of God, results of our actions and reminds us of our
commitment to train our offspring.
Narrated Ibn Abbas: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `If anyone of
you, when having a sexual intercourse with his wife says:
In the name of Allah! O Allah! Protect me from Satan and protect what
you bestow upon us (i.e. an offspring) from Satan. and if it is destined
that they should have a child, then Satan will never be able to harm
him.'"
WALIMA:
Walima is the wedding reception given to friends and family after the
consummation of marriage. It is given by the husband on this auspicious
occassion, showing his happiness and sharing it with the friends and
family.
Abdur Rahman bin Auf said, "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said to me,
`Give a wedding banquet, even with one sheep.'"
Narrated Abu Musa: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Set the
captives free, accept the invitation (including to a wedding banquet),
and pay a visit to the patients.'"
By this saying of the Prophet, peace be upon him, it is also enjoined
upon us to join in the happiness of our brothers.
2. Duties & Rights After Marriage .................................. from IINN
Allah informs us about the just rights of each other on us:
But, in accordance with justice, the wife's rights (with regard to their
husbands) are equal to the (husband's) rights with regard to them,
although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise.
Qur'an [2 : 228]
The statement that men are a degree above women means that authority
within the household has been give to the husband in preference to the
wife because a heavier burden has been placed on his shoulders by
another verse of the Quran which says:
Men shall take full care of women, because Allah has given the one more
strength than the other, and because they support them from their means.
Qur'an [4 : 34]
ADVICES TO HUSBANDS:
Jabir Narrated that the Prophet, peace be upon him, gave these
instructions in his sermon during Farewell Pilgrimage: "Fear God
regarding women; for you have taken them [in marriage] with the trust of
God." [Mishkat]
Narrated Aisha, God's messenger said: "Among the believers who show most
perfect faith are those who have the best disposition, and are kindest
to their families." [Tirmidhi]
Narrated Abu Huraira, God's messenger said: "The believers who show the
most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition and the best
of you are those who are best to their wives." [Tirmidhi]
Aisha has related that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, would enter
the house with a pleasing disposition and a smile on his lips.
[Uswa-i-Hasana]
Narrated Al-Aswad: "I asked Aisha, `What did the Prophet, peace be upon
him, do at home?' She said, `He used to work for his family and when he
heard the call for the prayer, he would go out.'" [Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The
woman is like a rib; if you try to straighten her, she will break. So if
you want to get benefit from her, do so while she still has some bent.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Whoever
believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his
neighbor. And I advise you to take care of women, for they are created
from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if
you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will
reamin crooked, so I urge you to take care of women. [Bukhari]
Narrated Abdullah bin Amr bin Al-As: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon
him, said, `O Abdullah! Have I not been informed that you fast all the
day and stand in prayer all night?' I said, `Yes, O Allah's Apostle!' He
said, `Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave them at
other times; stand up for the prayer at night and also sleep at night.
Your body has a right over you and your wife has a right over you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Ibn Umar: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `All of you
are guardians and are responsible for your wards. The ruler is a
guardian and the man is a guardian of his family; the lady is a guardian
who is responsible for her husband's house and his offspring; and so all
of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards.'"
Men should forbear any shortcomings of women in view of the following
verse of Quran:
Live with them in kindness; even if you dislike them, perhaps you
dislike something in which God has place much good. Qur'an [4 : 19]
ADVICES TO WIVES:
Anas reported God's messenger as saying, "When a woman observes the five
times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys
her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of paradise she wishes
(in other words nothing will prevent her from entering paradise)."
[Mishkat]
Um Salma reported God's messenger as saying, "Any woman who dies when
her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise." [Tirmidhi]
Abu Huraira told that when God's messenger was asked which woman was
best, he replied, "The one who fills [her husband] with joy when he sees
her, obeys him when he directs and does not oppose him by displeasing
him regarding her person or property." [Mishkat]
Providing for wife and family:
Quran teaches us to be reasonable and fair to our wives and family.
House women wherever you reside, accoding to your circumstances, and do
not harass them in order to make life difficult for them. Qur'an [65 :
6]
The statement of Allah in the chapter `Woman':
`Men are protectors and maintainers of women.' Qur'an [4 : 34]
Bukhari quotes the following verse under the heading: .. the superiority
of providing for one's family:
(O Mohammed!) They ask you what they ought to spend. Say: That which is
beyond your needs. Thus Allah make clear to you His Signs in order that
you may give thought (to it) in this worldly life and the Hereafter.
Qur'an [2 : 219-220]
Narrated Abu Masud Al-Ansari: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said,
`When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive
Allah's reward, it is regarded as Sadqa (spending in the name of God)
for him.'"
We should always remember that Allah is the one who gives us, we are
mere trustees of the funds.
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `Allah
said, O the son of Adam! Spend, and I shall spend on you.'"
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The
best alms is that which you give when you are rich, and you should
support your dependants first.'" [Bukhari]
Abu Huraira reported God's messenger, peace be upon him, as saying: "Of
the dinar (unit of currency) that you spend as a contribution in God's
path, or to set free a slave, or as charity given to a needy, or to
support your family, the one yielding the greatest reward is that which
you spent on your family. [Muslim]
3. Hijab (Veil) and Muslim Women ...................... from Ms.Naheed Mustafa
"My body is my own business" by Naheed in The Globe
Dated: 25 Sep 1993 16:35:02 -0500
MULTICULTURAL VOICES: A Canadian-born Muslim woman has taken to wearing
the traditional hijab scarf. It tends to make people see her as either a
terrorist or a symbol of oppressed womanhood, but she finds the
experience LIBERATING.
I OFTEN wonder whether people see me as a radical, fundamentalist Muslim
terrorist packing an AK-47 assault rifle inside my jean jacket. Or may
be they see me as the poster girl for oppressed womanhood everywhere.
I'm not sure which it is.
I get the whole gamut of strange looks, stares, and covert glances. You
see, I wear the hijab, a scarf that covers my head, neck, and throat. I
do this because I am a Muslim woman who believes her body is her own
private concern.
Young Muslim women are reclaiming the hijab, reinterpreting it in light
of its original purpose -- to give back to women ultimate control of
their own bodies.
The Qur'an teaches us that men and women are equal, that individuals
should not be judged according to gender, beauty, wealth, or privilege.
The only thing that makes one person better than another is her or his
character.
Nonetheless, people have a difficult time relating to me. After all, I'm
young, Canadian born and raised, university-educated -- why would I do
this to myself, they ask.
Strangers speak to me in loud, slow English and often appear to be
playing charades. They politely inquire how I like living in Canada and
whether or not the cold bothers me. If I'm in the right mood, it can be
very amusing.
But, why would I, a woman with all the advantages of a North American
upbringing, suddenly, at 21, want to cover myself so that with the hijab
and the other clothes I choose to wear, only my face and hands show?
Because it gives me freedom.
-o-o-o-
WOMEN are taught from early childhood that their worth is proportional
to their attractiveness. We feel compelled to pursue abstract notions of
beauty, half realizing that such a pursuit is futile.
When women reject this form of oppression, they face ridicule and
contempt. Whether it's women who refuse to wear makeup or to shave their
legs, or to expose their bodies, society, both men and women, have
trouble dealing with them.
In the Western world, the hijab has come to symbolize either forced
silence or radical, unconscionable militancy. Actually, it's neither. It
is simply a woman's assertion that judgment of her physical person is to
play no role whatsoever in social interaction.
Wearing the hijab has given me freedom from constant attention to my
physical self. Because my appearance is not subjected to public
scrutiny, my beauty, or perhaps lack of it, has been removed from the
realm of what can legitimately be discussed.
No one knows whether my hair looks as if I just stepped out of a salon,
whether or not I can pinch an inch, or even if I have unsightly stretch
marks. And because no one knows, no one cares.
Feeling that one has to meet the impossible male standards of beauty is
tiring and often humiliating. I should know, I spent my entire teen-age
years trying to do it. It was a borderline bulimic and spent a lot of
money I didn't have on potions and lotions in hopes of becoming the next
Cindy Crawford.
The definition of beauty is ever-changing; waifish is good, waifish is
bad, athletic is good -- sorry, athletic is bad. Narrow hips? Great.
Narrow hips? Too bad.
Women are not going to achieve equality with the right to bear their
breasts in public, as some people would like to have you believe. That
would only make us party to our own objectification. True equality will
be had only when women don't need to display themselves to get attention
and won't need to defend their decision to keep their bodies to
themselves.
Naheed Mustafa graduated from the University of Toronto last year with
an honours degree in political and history. She is currently studying
journalism at Ryerson Polytechnic University
NOTE:
This article appeared in IINN (Islamic Information & News Network)
publications. The Permission of Reprinting granted by "Islamic
Information & News Network" (Muslims @ Asuacad.Bitnet).
4. Women In Islam .................................................. from IINN
Source: Islamic Center of Southern California
Typed in by: Ms.Iraj Ali
SEPARATING FACTS FROM FICTION
o Islam gave woman the right to reject a marriage proposal free from
pressure and by mutual agreement to specify in the marriage contract
that she has the right to divorce. If she deems the marriage to have
failed beyond repair.
o Islam does not require woman to change her name at marriage.
o Islam protects the family and condemns the betrayal of marital
fidelity. It recognize only one type of family, husband and wife united
by authentic marriage contract.
o "Heaven is at the feet of mothers" is a basic Islamic teachings.
This article appeared in IINN (Islamic Information & News Network)
publications. The Permission of Reprinting granted by "Islamic
Information & News Network" (Muslims @ Asuacad.Bitnet).
5. Who Practices Polygamy? ........................................ from III&E
Polygamy has been practiced by mankind for thousands of years. Many of
the ancient Israelites were polygamous, some having hundreds of wives.
King Solomon (peace be upon him) is said to have had seven hundred wives
and three hundred concubines. David (Dawood) had ninety-nine and Jacob
(Yacub, peace be upon them both) had four. Advice given by some Jewish
wise men state that no man should marry more than four wives. No early
society put any restrictions on the number of wives or put any
conditions about how they were to be treated. Jesus was not known to
have spoken against polygamy. As recently as the seventeenth century,
polygamy was practiced and accepted by the Christian Church. The Mormons
(Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) has allowed and practiced
polygamy in the United States.
Monogamy was introduced into Christianity at the time of Paul when many
revisions took place in Christianity. This was done in order for the
church to conform to the Greco-Roman culture where men were monogamous
but owned many slaves who were free for them to use: in other words,
unrestricted polygamy.
Early Christians invented ideas that women were "full of sin" and man
was better off to "never marry." Since this would be the end of mankind
these same people compromised and said "marry only one."
In the American society many times when relations are strained, the
husband simply deserts his wife. The he cohabits with a prostitute or
other immoral woman without marriage. Actually there are three kinds of
polygamy practiced in Western societies: (1) serial polygamy, that is,
marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce, and so on any number of times; (2)
a man married to one woman but having and supporting one or more
mistresses; (3) an unmarried man having a number of mistresses. Islam
condones but discourages the first and forbids the other two.
Wars cause the number of women to greatly exceed the number of men. In a
monogamous society these women, left without husbands or support, resort
to prostitution, illicit relationships with married men resulting in
illegitimate children with no responsibility on the part of the father,
or lonely spinsterhood or widowhood.
Some Western men take the position that monogamy protects the rights of
women. But are these men really concerned about the rights of women? The
society has so many practices which exploit and suppress women, leading
to women's liberation movements from the suffragettes of the early
twentieth century to the feminists of today.
The truth of the matter is that monogamy protects men, allowing them to
"play around" without responsibility. Easy birth control and easy legal
abortion has opened the door of illicit sex to woman and she has been
lured into the so-called sexual revolution. But she is still the one who
suffers the trauma of abortion and the side effects of the birth control
methods. Taking aside the plagues of venereal disease, herpes and AIDS,
the male continues to enjoy himself free of worry. Men are the ones
protected by monogamy while women continue to be victims of men's
desires. Polygamy is very much opposed by the male dominated society
because it would force men to face up to responsibility and fidelity. It
would force them to take responsibility for their polygamous
inclinations and would protect and provide for women and children.
Among all the polygamous societies in history there were none which
limited the number of wives. All of the relationships were unrestricted.
In Islam, the regulations concerning polygamy limit the number of wives
a man can have while making him responsible for all of the women
involved.
"Marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you fear that
you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then only one or one
that your right hands possess. That will be more suitable, to prevent
you from doing injustice." (Qur'an 4:3)
This verse from the Qur'an allows a man to marry more than one woman but
only if he can deal justly with them. Another verse says that a person
is unable to deal justly between wives, thus giving permission but
discouraging.
"You will never be able to deal justly between wives however much you
desire (to do so). But (if you have more than one wife) do not turn
altogether away (from one), leaving her in suspense..." (Qur'an 4:129)
While the provision for polygamy makes the social system flexible enough
to deal with all kinds of conditions, it is not necessarily recommended
or preferred by Islam. Taking the example of the Prophet Muhammad (peace
be upon him) is instructive. He was married to one woman, Khadijah, for
twenty-five years. It was only after her death when he had reached the
age of fifty that he entered into other marriages to promote
friendships, create alliances or to be an example of some lesson to the
community; also to show the Muslims how to treat their spouses under
different conditions of life.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) was given inspiration from Allah about
how to deal with multiple marriages and the difficulties encountered
therein. It is not an easy matter for a man to handle two wives, two
families, and two households and still be just between the two. No man
of reasonable intelligence would enter into this situation without a
great deal of thought and very compelling reasons (other than sexual).
Some people have said that the first wife must agree to the second
marriage. Others have said that the couple can put it into the marriage
contract that the man will not marry a second wife. First of all,
neither the Qur'an nor Hadith state that the first wife need be
consulted at all concerning a second marriage let alone gain her
approval. Consideration and compassion on the part of the man for his
first wife should prompt him to discuss the matter with her but he is
not required to do so or to gain her approval. Secondly, the Qur'an has
explicitly given permission for a man to marry "two or three or four."
No one has the authority to make a contract forbidding something that
has been granted by Allah.
The bottom line in the marriage relationship is good morality and
happiness, creating a just and cohesive society where the needs of men
and women are well taken care of. The present Western society, which
permits free sex between consenting adults, has given rise to an
abundance of irresponsible sexual relationships, an abundance of
"fatherless" children, many unmarried teenage mothers; all becoming a
burden on the country's welfare system. In part, such an undesirable
welfare burden has given rise to bloated budget deficits which even an
economically powerful country like the United States cannot accommodate.
Bloated budget deficits have become a political football which is
affecting the political system of the United States.
In short, we find that artificially created monogamy has become a factor
in ruining the family structure, and the social, economic and political
systems of the country.
It must be a prophet, and indeed it was Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon
him) who directed Muslims to get married or observe patience until one
gets married. 'Abdullah b. Mas'ud reported Allah's messenger as saying,
"Young man, those of you who can support a wife should marry, for it
keeps you from looking at strange women and preserves you from
immorality; but those who cannot should devote themselves to fasting,
for it is a means of suppressing sexual desire." (Bukhari and Muslim)
Islam wants people to be married and to develop a good family structure.
Also Islam realizes the requirements of the society and the individual
in special circumstances where polygamy can be the solution to problems.
Therefore, Islam has allowed polygamy, limiting the number of wives to
four, but does not require or even recommend polygamy.
In the Muslim societies of our times, polygamy is not frequently
practiced despite legal permission in many countries. It appears that
the American male is very polygamous, getting away with not taking
responsibility for the families he should be responsible for.
--Mary Ali
(NOTE: In this article polygamy has been used to mean polygyny meaning
having two or more wives. Islam forbids polyandry meaning having two or
more husbands.)
## End of SRI FAQ - Part 7 ##
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
==============================================================================
...This Day I have perfected your religion for
you and completed My Favour upon you and have
chosen for you Islam as your way (Deen)...
Al-Qura'an Al-Karim Suratul Ma'idah v. 3
Subj: Sis: Fully referenced khutbah
****************************************************************
WOMEN IN ISLAM VERSUS WOMEN IN THE JUDAEO-CHRISTIAN TRADITION:
THE MYTH & THE REALITY
****************************************************************
Friday khutbah by Br. Sherif Muhammad
Kingston, February 10, 1995
[size: 42 k byte]
Four and a half years ago, I read in the Toronto Star issue of July
3, 1990 an article titled "Islam isn't alone in patriarchal doctrines", by
Gwynne Dyer. The article described the furious reactions by the
participants of a conference on women and power held in Montreal to the
comments of the famous Egyptian feminist Dr. Nawal Saadawi. Her
politically incorrect statements included : "the most restrictive elements
towards women can be found first in Judaism in the Old Testament then in
Christianity and then in the Quran"; "all religions are patriarchal
because they stem from patriarchal societies"; and "veiling of women isn't
a specifically islamic practice but an ancient cultural heritage with
analogies in sister religions". The participants couldn't bear sitting
around while their faiths were being equated with Islam. Thus, Dr. Saadawi
received a barrage of criticism. "Dr. Saadawi's comments are
unacceptable. Her answers reveal a lack of understanding about other
people's faiths", declared Bernice Dubois of the World Movement of
Mothers. "I must protest" said panelist Alice Shalvi of Israel women's
network,"there is no conception of the veil in Judaism." The article
attributed these furious protests to the strong tendency in the west to
scapegoat Islam for practices that are just as much part of the west's own
cultural heritage. "Christian and Jewish feminists were not going to sit
around being discussed in the same category as those wicked Muslims" wrote
Gwynne Dyer.
I wasn't surprised that the conference participants had held such a
negative view of Islam, especially when women's issues were involved.
Islam is believed , in the West, to be the symbol of the subordination of
women par excellence. In order to understand how firm this belief is, it
is enough to mention that the Minister of Education in France, the land of
Voltaire, has recently ordered the expulsion of all young muslim women
wearing the veil from french schools [1]! What intrigued me the most about
the conference was one question : Were the statements made by Saadawi, or
any of her critics, factual ? In other words, do Judaism, Christianity,
and Islam have the same conception of women? Are they different in their
conceptions ? Do Judaism and Christianity , truly, offer women a better
treatment than Islam does? What is the Truth?
It is not easy to search for and find answers to these difficult
questions. The first difficulty is that one has to be fair and objective
or, at least, that one does one's utmost to be so. This is what Islam
teaches. The Quran has instructed us to say the truth even if those who
are very close to us don't like it: "Whenever you speak, speak justly,
even if a near relative is concerned" (6:152) "O you who believe stand out
firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or
your parents or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor"
(4:135).
The other great difficulty is the overwhelming breadth of the
subject. Therefore, during the last few years, I have spent many hours
reading the Bible, The Encyclopedia of Religion, and the Encyclopedia
Judaica searching for answers. I have also read several books discussing
the position of women in different religions written by scholars,
apologists, and critics. Today, I am here to present some of the
important findings of this humble research. I don't claim to be absolutely
objective. This is beyond my limited capacity. All what I can say is that
I have been trying, throughout this research, to approach the Quranic
ideal of "speaking justly".
Before we start, I would like to emphasize that my purpose from this
presentation is not to denigrate Judaism or Christianity. As Muslims, we
believe in the divine origins of both. No one can be a Muslim without
believing in Moses and Jesus as great prophets of Allah. My goal is only
to vindicate Islam and pay a tribute ,long overdue in the West, to the
final truthful Message from God to the human race. I would also like to
emphasize that I concerned myself only with Doctrine. That is, my concern
is, mainly, the position of women in the three religions as it appears in
their original sources not as practiced by their millions of followers in
the world today. Therefore, most of the evidence cited comes from the
Quran, the Bible, the Talmud , and the sayings of some of the most
influential Church Fathers whose views have contributed immeasurably to
defining and shaping Christianity. This interest in the sources relates to
the fact that understanding a certain religion from the attitudes and the
behaviour of some of its nominal followers is misleading. Many people
confuse culture with religion, many others don't know what their religious
books are saying, and many others don't even care.
1. Eve's fault ?
The three religions agree on one basic fact : Both women and men are
created by God The Creator of the whole universe. However, disagreement
starts soon after the creation of the first man, Adam and the first woman,
Eve. The Judaeo-Christian conception of the creation of Adam and Eve is
narrated in detail in Genesis 2:4-3:24. God prohibited both of them from
eating the fruits of the forbidden tree. The serpent seduced Eve to eat
from it and Eve, in turn, seduced Adam to eat with her. When God rebuked
Adam for what he did, he put all the blame on Eve "The woman you put here
with me --she gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it."
Consequently, God said to Eve "I will greatly increase your pains in
childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will
be for your husband and he will rule over you." To Adam he said,"Because
you listened to your wife and ate from the tree .... Cursed is the ground
because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of
your life..."
The Islamic conception of the first creation is found in several
places in the Quran, for example 7:19-25 "O Adam dwell with your wife in
the garden and enjoy as you wish but approach not this tree or you run
into harm. Then Satan whispered to them your Lord only forbade you this
tree lest you become angels or such beings as live forever.
And he swore to them both that he was their sincere adviser.So by deceit
he brought them to their fall: when they tasted the tree their
shame became manifest to them...............
Their Lord called unto them did I not forbid you that tree...They
said: our Lord we have wronged our own souls and if You forgive us not
and bestow not upon us Your mercy, we shall certainly be lost..."
A careful look into the two accounts of the story of the Creation
reveals some essential differences. The Quran, contrary to the Bible,
places equal blame on both Adam and Eve for their mistake. Nowhere in the
Quran can one find even the slightest hint that Eve tempted Adam to eat
from the tree or even that she had eaten before him. Eve in the Quran is
no temptress, no seducer, and no deceiver. Moreover, Eve isn't to be
blamed for the pains of childbearing. God, according to the Quran, punish
no one for another's faults. Both Adam and Eve committed a sin and then
asked God for forgiveness and He forgave them both.
2. Eve's legacy
The image of Eve as temptress in the Bible has resulted in an
extremely negative impact on women throughout the Judaeo-Christian
tradition. In order to understand how negative the impact on women was we
have to look at the writings of some of the most important Jews and
Christians of all time. Let us start with the Old Testament and listen to
excerpts from what is called the Wisdom Literature in which we find," I
find more bitter than death the woman who is a snare, whose heart is a
trap and whose hands are chains. The man who pleases God will escape her,
but the sinner she will ensnare....while I was still searching but not
finding, I found one upright man among a thousand but not one upright
woman among them all." (Ecclesiastes 7:26-28) One has to ask what is the
wisdom in denying the existence of even one upright woman on earth ? In
another part of the Hebrew literature which is found in the Catholic Bible
we read," No wickedness comes anywhere near the wickedness of a
woman.....Sin began with a woman and thanks to her we all must
die"(Ecclesiasticus 25:19,24) Orthodox Jewish men in their daily morning
prayer recite "Blessed be God King of the universe that Thou has not made
me a woman." The women, on the other hand, thank God every morning for
"making me according to Thy will" [2].
The same severe tone is found also in the New Testament. Listen to
St. Paul," A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I don't
permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be
silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam wasn't the one
deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner, but women
will be saved through childbearing...."(I Timothy 2:11-15) St. Tertullian
was even more blunt than St. Paul, while he was talking to his 'best
beloved sisters' in the faith, he said," Do you not know that you are each
an Eve? The sentence of God on this sex of yours lives in this age: the
guilt must of necessity live too. You are the Devil's gateway: You are the
unsealer of the forbidden tree: You are the first deserter of the divine
law: You are she who persuaded him whom the devil wasn't valiant enough to
attack. You destroyed so easily God's image ,man." St. Augustine was
faithful to the legacy of his predecessors, he wrote to a friend, " What
is the difference whether it is in a wife or a mother, it is still Eve the
temptress that we must beware of in any woman." Centuries later, St.
Thomas Aquinas still considered women as defective, "As regards the
individual nature, woman is defective and misbegotten, for the active
force in the male seed tends to the production of a perfect likeness in
the masculine sex; while the production of woman comes from a defect in
the active force or from some material indisposition, or even from some
external influence." Finally, the renowned reformer Martin Luther couldn't
see any benefit from a woman but bringing into the world as many children
as possible regardless of the possible side effects," If they become tired
or even die, that doesn't matter. Let them die in childbirth, that's why
they are there" [3]. Again and again all women are denigrated because of
the image of Eve the temptress, thanks to the Genesis account.
If we now turn our attention to what the Quran has to say about
women, we will soon realize that the Islamic conception of women is
radically different from that of the Judaeo-Christian tradition. Let the
Quran speak for itself. "For muslim men and women, for believing men and
women, for devout men and women, for true men and women, for men and women
who are patient, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and
women who give in charity, for men and women who fast, for men and women
who guard their chastity, and for men and women who engage much in Allah's
praise-- For them all has Allah prepared forgiveness and great
reward"(33:35) "Whoever works evil will not be requited but by the like
thereof, and whoever works a righteous deed -whether man or woman- and is
a believer- such will enter the Garden of bliss"(40:40) "Whoever works
righteousness, man or woman, and has faith, verily to him/her we will give
a new life that is good and pure, and we will bestow on such their reward
according to the best of their actions"(16:97)
It is clear that the Quranic view of women is no different than that
of a man. They, both, are God's creatures whose sublime goal on earth is
to worship their Lord, do righteous deeds, and avoid evil and they, both,
will be assessed accordingly. The Quran never mentions that the woman is
the devil's gateway or that she is a deceiver by nature. The Quran, also,
never mentions that man is God's image, all men and all women are his
creatures, that's all. According to the Quran, a woman's role on earth
isn't limited only to childbirth. She is required to do as many good deeds
as any other man is required to do. The Quran never said that no upright
women had ever existed. To the contrary, the Quran has instructed all the
believers, women as well as men, to follow the example of those ideal
women such as the Virgin Mary and the Pharoah's wife (66:11-13)
3. Shameful daughters ?
In fact, the difference between the Biblical and the Quranic attitude
towards the female sex starts as soon as a female is born. For example
the Bible states that the period of the mother's ritual impurity is twice
as long if a girl is born than if a boy is (Leviticus 12:2-5). The
Catholic Bible does state explicitly that "The birth of a daughter is a
loss" (Ecclesiasticus 22:3) In contrast to this shocking statement, boys
receive special praise, "A man who educates his son will be the envy of
his enemy." (Ecclesiasticus 30:3) A daughter is considered a painful
burden, a potential source of shame to her father "Your daughter is
headstrong? Keep a sharp look-out that she doesn't make you the laughing
stock of your enemies, the talk of the town, the object of common gossip,
and put you to public shame."(Ecclesiasticus 42:11)
It was this very same idea of treating daughters as sources of shame
that led the pagan Arabs, before the advent of Islam, to practice female
infanticide. The Quran severely condemned this heinous practice "When news
is brought to one of them of the birth of a female child, his face darkens
and he is filled with inward grief. With shame does he hide himself from
his people because of the bad news he has had! Shall he retain her on
contempt or bury her in the dust? Ah! what an evil they decide on?"(16:59)
It has to be mentioned that this sinister crime would have never stopped
in Arabia if it were not to the power of the scathing terms the Quran used
to condemn this practice (16:59, 43:17, 81:8-9). The Quran, moreover,
makes no distinction between boys and girls. In contrast to the Bible, the
Quran considers the birth of a female as a gift and a blessing from God,
same as the birth of a male. The Quran even mentions the gift of the
female birth first," To Allah belongs the dominion of the heavens and the
earth. He creates what he wills. He bestows female children to whomever he
wills and bestows male children to whomever he wills"(42:49)
4. Female education ?
The difference between the Biblical and the Quranic conceptions of
women is not limited to the newly born female, it extends far beyond that.
Let's compare their attitudes towards a female trying to learn her
religion. The heart of Judaism is the Torah, the law. However, according
to the Talmud, "women are exempt from the study of the Torah." In the
first century C.E., Rabbi Eliezer said: "If any man teaches his daughter
Torah it is as though he taught her lechery" [4]. The attitude of St. Paul
in the New Testament isn't brighter "As in all the congregations of the
saints, women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed
to speak, but must be in submission as the law says. If they want to
inquire about something, they should ask their own husbands at home; for
it is disgraceful for a woman to speak in the church."(I Corinthians
14:34,35) How can a woman learn if she is not allowed to speak? How can a
woman grow intellectually if she is obliged to be in a state of full
submission? How can she broaden her horizons if her one and only source of
information is her husband at home?
Now, to be fair, we should ask: is the Quranic position any
different? One short story narrated in the Quran sums its position up
concisely. Khawlah was a Muslim woman whose husband Aws at a moment of
anger pronounced this statement: "You are to me as the back of my mother."
This was held by pagan Arabs to be a statement of divorce which freed the
husband from any conjugal responsibility but didn't leave the wife free to
leave the husband's home or to marry another man. Having heard these words
from her husband, Khawlah was in a miserable situation. She went straight
to the Prophet of Islam to plead her case. The prophet was of the opinion
that she should be patient since there seemed to be no way out. Khawla
kept arguing with the prophet in an attempt to save her suspended
marriage. Shortly, the Quran intervened; Khawla's plea was accepted. The
divine verdict abolished this iniquitous custom. One full chapter (Chapter
58) of the Quran whose title is *Almujadilah* or "The woman who is
arguing" was devoted to this incident, "Allah has heard and accepted the
statement of the woman who pleads with you (the prophet) concerning her
husband and carries her complaint to Allah, and Allah hears the arguments
between both of you for Allah hears and sees all things...." (58:1). A
woman in the Quranic conception has the right to argue even with the
Prophet of Islam himself. No one has the right to instruct her to be
silent. She is under no obligation to consider her husband the one and
only reference in matters of law and religion.
5. Adultery
Women's position, role, rights, and duties in the Quran are very
different from those found in the Bible. Let us take some examples.
Adultery and fornication are considered sins in all religions. The Bible
decrees the death sentence for both the adulterer and the adulteress
(Leviticus 20:10). Islam also equally punishes both the adulterer and the
adulteress (24:2). However, the Quranic definition of adultery is very
different from the Biblical definition. Adultery, according to the Quran,
is the involvement of a married man or a married woman in an extramarital
affair. The Bible only considers the extramarital affair of a married
woman as adultery (Leviticus 20:10, Deuteronomy 22:22, Proverbs
6:20-7:27). The extramarital affair of a married man isn't per se a crime
in the Bible. Why this dual moral standard? According to Encyclopedia
Judaica, the wife was considered to be the husband's possession and
adultery constituted a violation the husband's exclusive right to her; the
wife as the husband's possession had no such right to him [5]. The New
Testament echoes the same attitude in Matthew 5:31-32, where it is
attributed to Jesus to have said," I tell you that anyone who divorces his
wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an
adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery."
Why didn't he label the man who divorces his wife and marries another
woman as adulterer? To the present day in Israel, if a married man
indulges in an extramarital affair with a woman, his children by that
woman are considered legitimate. But, if a married woman has an affair
with another man, her children by that man are not only illegitimate but
are forbidden to marry any other Jews except converts and other bastards.
This ban is handed down to the child's descendants for 10 generations
until the taint of adultery is presumably weakened [6].
The Quran, on the other hand, never considers any woman to be the
possession of any man. The Quran eloquently describes the relationship
between the spouses by saying," And among His signs is that He created for
you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with
them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts: verily in that are
signs for those who reflect" (30:21) This is Quranic conception of
marriage: love, mercy, and tranquility, not possession and double
standards.
6. Bearing witness
Another issue in which the Quran and the Bible disagree is the issue
of women bearing witness. It is true that the Quran has instructed the
believers dealing in financial transactions to get two male witnesses or
one male and two females (2:282). However, it is also true that the Quran
in other situations accepts the testimony of a woman as equal to that of a
man. In fact the woman's testimony can even invalidate the man's. If a
man accuses his wife of unchastity, he is required by the Quran to
solemnly swear five times as evidence of the wife's guilt. If the wife
denies and swears similarly five times, she isn't considered guilty and in
either case the marriage is dissolved (24:6-11).
On the other hand, women were not allowed to bear witness in early
Jewish society [7]. Women in Today's Israel are not allowed to give evidence
in Rabbinical courts because the Talmud says: "Women are temperamentally
light-headed" [8]. The Rabbis, also, justify why women can't bear witness
by citing Genesis 18:9-16, where it is stated that Sara, Abraham's wife had
lied. The rabbis use this incident as evidence that women are unqualified
to bear witness. It should be noted here that this story narrated in
Genesis 18:9-16 has been mentioned more than once in the Quran without any
hint of any lies by Sara (11:69-74, 51:24-30).
If a man accuses his wife of unchastity, her testimony will not be
considered at all according to the Bible. The accused wife has to be
subjected to a trial by ordeal (Numbers 5:11-31). In this trial, the wife
faces a complex and humiliating ritual which was supposed to prove her
guilt or innocence. If she is found guilty after this ordeal, she will be
sentenced to death. Also, if a man takes a woman as a wife and then
accuses her of not being a virgin, her own testimony will not count. Her
parents had to bring evidence of her virginity before the elders of the
town. If the parents couldn't prove the innocence of their daughter, she
would be stoned to death on her father's doorsteps. If the parents were
able to prove her innocence, the husband will only be fined one hundred
shekels of silver and he must not divorce his wife as long as he lives
(Deuteronomy 22:13-21). Why should the poor woman live with the man who
slandered her in public for the rest of his life?
7. Female inheritance
One of the most important differences between the Quran and the Bible
is their attitude towards female inheritance of the property of a deceased
relative. According to Numbers 27:1-11, widows and sisters don't inherit
at all. Daughters can inherit only if their deceased father had no sons.
Otherwise the sons receive the entire inheritance. Among the pagan Arabs
before Islam, inheritance rights were confined exclusively to the male
relatives. The Quran abolished all these unjust customs and gave all the
female relatives their just share (4:7,11,12,176).
8. Plight of widows
Because of the fact that the Old Testament recognized no inheritance
rights to them, widows were among the most vulnerable of the Jewish
population. The male relatives who inherited all of her deceased
husband's estate were to provide for her from that estate. However, widows
had no way to ensure this provision was carried out and lived on the mercy
of others. Therefore, widows were among the lowest classes in ancient
Israel and widowhood was considered a symbol of great degradation (Isaiah
54:4). But the plight of a widow in the Biblical tradition extended even
beyond her exclusion from her husband's property. According to Genesis 38,
a childless widow must marry her husband's brother, even if he is already
married, so that he can produce offspring for his dead brother, thus
ensuring his brother's name will not die out. The widow's consent to this
marriage is not required. The widow is treated as part of her deceased
husband's property whose main function is to ensure her husband's
posterity. This biblical law is still practiced in today's Israel [9]. The
pagan Arabs before Islam had similar practices. The widow was considered a
part of her husband's property to be inherited by his male heirs and she
was, usually, given in marriage to the deceased man's eldest son from
another wife. The Quran scathingly attacked and abolished this degrading
custom (4:22).
Widows and divorced women were so looked down upon in the biblical
tradition that the high priest must not marry a widow, a divorced woman,
or a prostitute (Leviticus 21:13). In Israel today, a descendent of the
Cohen caste (the high priests of the days of the Temple) cannot marry a
divorcee, a widow, or a prostitute [10]. In the Jewish legislation, a woman
who has been widowed three times with all the three husband's dying of
natural
causes is considered 'fatal' and forbidden to marry again [11]. The Quran,
on the other hand, recognizes neither castes nor fatal persons. Widows and
divorcees have the freedom to marry whomever they choose. There is no
stigma attached with divorce or widowhood in the Quran (2:231,232, 234,
240).
9. Polygamy
Let's now tackle the important question of polygamy. Polygamy is a
very ancient practice found in many human societies. The Bible didn't
condemn polygamy. To the contrary, the Old Testament and Rabbinic
writings frequently attest to the legality of polygamy. King Solomon is
said to have had 700 wives and 300 concubines (1 Kings 11:3) Also, king
David is said to have had many wives and concubines (2 Samuel 5:13). The
Old Testament does have some injunctions on how to distribute the property
of a man among his sons from different wives (Deut. 22:7). The only
restriction on polygamy is a ban on taking a wife's sister as a rival wife
(Leviticus 18:18). The Talmud advices a maximum of four wives [12]. European
Jews continued to practice polygamy until the sixteenth century. Oriental
Jews regularly practised polygamy until they arrived in Israel where it is
forbidden under civil law. However, under religious law which overrides
civil law in such cases, it is permissible [13].
What about the New Testament? According to Father Eugene Hillman in
his insightful book 'Polygamy reconsidered'," No where in the New
Testament is there any explicit commandment that marriage should be
monogamous or any explicit commandment forbidding polygamy" [14]. Moreover,
Jesus hasn't spoken against polygamy though it was practiced by the Jews
of his society. Father Hillman stressed the fact that the church in Rome
banned polygamy in order to conform to the Greco-Roman culture (which
prescribed only one legal wife while tolerating concubinage and
prostitution). He cited St. Augustine, "Now indeed in our time, and in
keeping with Roman custom, it is no longer allowed to take another wife"
[15].
African churches and African christians often remind their European
brothers that the Church's ban on polygamy is a cultural tradition and not
an authentic Christian injunction.
The Quran, too, allowed polygamy, but not without restrictions, " If
you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with the orphans, marry
women of your choice, two or three or four but if you fear that you shall
not be able to deal justly with them, then only one"(4:3). The Quran,
Contrary to the Bible, limited the maximum number of wives to four under
the strict condition of treating the wives equally and justly. It should
not be understood that the Quran is exhorting the believers to practice
polygamy, or that polygamy is considered as an ideal. In other words, the
Quran has "tolerated" or "allowed" polygamy, and no more, but why? Why is
polygamy permissible or allowed? The answer is simple, there are places
and times in which there are compelling reasons for polygamy. Islam as a
universal religion suitable for all places and all times couldn't ignore
these compelling reasons.
In most human societies, females outnumber males. In the U.S. there
are, at least, eight million more women than men. In a country like Guinea
there are 122 females for every 100 males. In Tanzania, there are 95.1
males per 100 females [16]. What should a society do towards such unbalanced
sex ratios? There are various solutions, some might suggest celibacy,
others would prefer female infanticide (which does happen in some
societies in the world today !). Others would think the only outlet is
that the society should tolerate all manners of moral decadence :
prostitution, sex out of wedlock, homosexuality ...etc. Other societies
(like most African societies today) would see the most honourable outlet
is to allow polygamous marriage as a culturally accepted and socially
respected institution. The point that is often misunderstood in the west
is that women in other cultures don't necessarily look at polygamy as a
sign of women's degradation. For example, many young African brides
(whether Christians or Muslims or otherwise), would prefer to marry a
married man who has already proved himself to be a responsible husband.
Many African wives urge their husbands to get a second wife so that they
don't feel lonely [17]. The problem of the unbalanced sex ratios becomes
truly problematic at times of war. Native American Indian tribes used to
suffer highly unbalanced sex ratios after wartime losses. Women in these
tribes, who in fact enjoyed a fairly high status, accepted polygamy as the
best protection against indulgence in indecent activities. European settlers,
without offering any other alternative, condemned this Indian polygamy as
'uncivilized' [18].
After the second world war, there were 7,300,000 more women than men
in Germany (3.3 million of them were widows). There were 100 men aged 20
to 30 for every 167 women in that age group [19]. Many of these women needed
a man not only as a companion but also as a provider for the household in
a time of unprecedented misery and hardship. The soldiers of the victorious
Allied Armies exploited these women's vulnerability. Many young girls and
widows had liaisons with members of the occupying forces. Many American
and British soldiers paid for their pleasures in cigarettes, chocolate,
and bread. Children were overjoyed at the gifts these strangers brought.
A 10 year old boy on hearing of such gifts from other children wished from
all his heart for an 'Englishman' for his mother so that she need not go
hungry any longer [20]. We have to ask our own consciences at this point:
What is more dignifying to a woman? An accepted and respected second wife
as in the native Indians' approach, or a virtual prostitute as in the
'civilised' Allies approach? In other words, what is more dignifying to a
woman, the Quranic prescription or the theology based on the culture of
the Roman Empire?
The world today possesses more weapons of mass destruction than ever
before and the European churches might, sooner or later, be obliged to
accept polygamy as the only way out. Father Hillman has thoughtfully
recognized this fact," It is quite conceivable that these genocidal
techniques (nuclear, biological, chemical..) could produce so drastic an
imbalance among the sexes that plural marriage would become a necessary
means of survival....Then contrary to previous custom and law, an
overriding natural and moral inclination might arise in favour of
polygamy. In such a situation, theologians and church leaders would
quickly produce weighty reasons and biblical texts to justify a new
conception of marriage" [21].
It has to be added also that polygamy in Islam is a matter of mutual
consent. No one can force a woman to marry a married man. The Bible, on
the other hand, sometimes resorts to forcible polygamy. A childless widow
must marry her husband's brother, even if he is already married,
regardless of her consent (Genesis 38).
It should be noted that in many Muslim societies today the practice
of polygamy is rare since the gap between the numbers of both sexes is not
huge. One can, safely, say that the rate of polygamous marriages in the
Muslim world is much less than the rate of extramarital affairs in the
West. In other words, Men in the Muslim world today are far more strictly
monogamous than men in the Western world !
10. The Veil
Finally, let us shed some light on what is considered in the west as
the greatest symbol of women's oppression and servitude, the veil or the
head cover. Is it true that there is no such thing as the veil in the
Judaeo-Christian tradition? Let's set the record straight. According to
Rabbi Dr. Menachem M. Brayer (Professor of Biblical Literature at Yeshiva
University) in his book 'The Jewish woman in Rabbinic literature', it was
the custom of Jewish women to go out in public with a head covering which,
sometimes, even covered the whole face leaving one eye free [22]. He quotes
some famous ancient Rabbis saying," It is not like the daughters of Israel
to walk out with heads uncovered" and "Cursed be the man who lets the hair
of his wife be seen....a woman who exposes her hair for self-adornment
brings poverty." Rabbinic law forbids the recitation of blessings or
prayers in the presence of a bareheaded married woman since uncovering the
woman's hair is considered "nudity" [23]. Dr. Brayer also mentions that
"During the Tannaitic period the Jewish woman's failure to cover her head
was considered an affront to her modesty. When her head was uncovered she
might be fined four hundred zuzim for this offense." Dr. Brayer also
explains that veil of the Jewish woman wasn't always considered a sign of
modesty. Sometimes, the veil symbolized a state of distinction and luxury
rather than modesty. The veil personified the dignity and superiority of
noble women. It, also, represented a woman's inaccessibility as a
sanctified possession of her husband [24]. It is clear in the Old Testament
that uncovering a woman's head was a great disgrace and that's why the
priest had to uncover the suspected adulteress in her trial by ordeal
(Numbers 5:16-18).
What about the Christian tradition? It is well known that Catholic
Nuns have been covering their heads for hundreds of years, but that's not
all. St. Paul in the New Testament made some very interesting statements
about the veil," Now I want you to realize that the head of every man is
Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God.
Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonours his
head. And every woman who prays or prophesies with her head uncovered
dishonours her head - it is just as though her head were shaved. If a
woman doesn't cover her head, she should have her hair cut off; and if it
is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut off or shaved off, she
should cover her head. A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the
image and glory of God; but the woman is the glory of man. For man didn't
come from woman, but woman from man; neither was man created for woman,
but woman for man. For this reason, and because of the angels, the woman
ought to have a sign of authority on her head." (I Corinthians 11:3-10) St
Paul's rationale for veiling women is that the veil represents a sign of
authority of the man, who is the image and glory of God, over the woman
who was created from and for the man. St. Tertullian in his famous
treatise 'On The Veiling Of Virgins' wrote," Young women, you wear your
veils out on the streets, so you should wear them in the church, you wear
them when you are among strangers, then wear them among your brothers..."
Among the Canon laws of the Catholic church today, there is a law that
require women to cover their heads in church [25]. Some Christian
denominations, such as the Amish and the Mennonites for example, keep
their women veiled to the present day. The reason for the veil, as offered
by their Church leaders, is "The head covering is a symbol of woman's
subjection to the man and to God" : The same logic introduced by St. Paul
in the New Testament [26].
From all the above evidence, it is obvious that Islam didn't invent
the head cover, but Islam endorsed it. The Quran urges the believing men
and women to lower their gaze and guard their modesty and then urges the
believing women to extend their head covers to cover the neck and the
bosom "Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and
guard their modesty......And say to the believing women that they should
lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display
their beauty and ornaments except what ordinarily appear thereof; that
they should draw their veils over their bosoms...." (24:30,31). The Quran
is quite clear that the veil is an essential part of a recipe designed for
the purposes of modesty, but why modesty? The Quran is still clear "O
prophet, tell your wives and daughters and the believing women that they
should cast their outer garments over their bodies (when abroad) so that
they should be known and not molested" (33:59). This is the whole point,
modesty is prescribed to protect women from molestation or simply, modesty
is protection.
Thus, the only purpose of the veil in Islam is protection. The
Islamic veil, unlike the veil of the Christian tradition, is not a sign of
man's authority over woman nor is it a sign of woman's subjection to man.
The Islamic veil, unlike the veil in the Jewish tradition, is not a sign
of luxury and distinction of some noble married women.The Islamic veil is
only a sign of modesty with the sole purpose of protecting women, all
women. The Islamic philosophy is that it is always better safe than sorry.
In fact, the Quran is so concerned with protecting women's bodies and
women's reputation that a man who dares to falsely accuse a woman of
unchastity will be severely punished," And those who launch a charge
against chaste women, and produce not four witnesses (to support their
allegations)- Flog them with eighty stripes; and reject their evidence
ever after: for such men are wicked transgressors"(24:4).
Compare this strict Quranic attitude with the extremely lax
punishment for rape in the Bible " If a man happens to meet a virgin who
is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he
shall pay the girl's father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the
girl, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he
lives" (Deut. 22:28-30). One must ask a simple question here,
who is really punished? The man who only paid a fine for rape,
or the girl who is forced to marry the man who raped her
and live with him until he dies? Another question that
also should be asked is this: which is more protective of women, the
Quranic strict attitude or the Biblical lax attitude?
Some people, especially in the West, would tend to ridicule the whole
argument of modesty for protection. Their argument is that the best
protection is the spread of education, civilised behaviour, and self
restraint. We would say: Fine but not enough. If 'civilization' is enough
protection, then why is it that women in North America, dare not walk
alone in a dark street - or even across an empty parking lot ? If
Education is the solution, then why is it that a respected university like
ours has a 'walk home service' for female students on campus? If self
restraint is the answer, then why are cases of sexual harassment in the
workplace on the news media every day? A sample of those accused of sexual
harassment, in the last few years, includes: Navy officers, Managers,
University professors, Senators, Supreme Court Justices, and the President
of the United States! I couldn't believe my eyes when I read the
following statistics, written in a pamphlet issued by the Dean of Women's
office at Queen's University:
* In Canada, a woman is sexually assaulted every 6 minutes",
* 1 in 3 women in Canada will be sexually assaulted at some time in their
lives",
* 1 in 4 women are at the risk of rape or attempted rape in her lifetime",
* 1 in 8 women will be sexually assaulted while attending college or
university, and
* A study found 60% of Canadian university-aged males said they would
commit sexual assault if they were certain they wouldn't get
caught."
Something is fundamentally wrong in the society we live in. A radical
change in the society's life style and culture is absolutely necessary. A
culture of modesty is badly needed, modesty in dress, in speech, and in
manners of both men and women. Otherwise, the grim statistics will grow
even worse day after day and , unfortunately, women alone will be paying
the price. Therefore, a society like France which expels young women from
schools because of their modest dress is, in the end, simply harming
itself.
Conclusion
In the light of the evidence presented above, there is no doubt that
Islam has immensely improved the status of women compared to the
Judaeo-Christian tradition. The Quran has offered women dignity, justice,
and protection which ,for long, have remained out of their reach. That's
why it is no surprise to find that most converts to Islam, today, in a
country like Britain are women. In the U.S. women converts to Islam
outnumber men converts 4 to 1 [27]. The problem is that the majority of the
population in the West do not know these facts. They easily believe the
media's distorted image of Islam. Therefore, it is a must that we change
our defensive attitude towards the whole issue of women in Islam. We must
stop being apologetic. We have nothing to be ashamed of. What the Quran
has given to women is unparalleled in the history of religion. Instead of
always reacting to the consistent barrage of articles defaming Muslim
women, we have to take the initiative. We have to act first and let
others react. We should boldly initiate discussions with our friends and
colleagues regarding the true status of women in Islam. Tell them how the
Quran has ended so many injustices against women found in other
scriptures. We have to talk to the media, write to the press, and Invite
the whole world to read the Quran, read other scriptures and compare for
themselves. It goes without saying that the sisters' role is far more
important than the brothers' in this respect.
The Quran is an incredibly powerful book and it is our task to spread
its impressive message to the world. But, are we up to this task ?
Notes
1. The Globe and Mail, Oct. 4,1994.
2. Thena Kendath, "Memories of an Orthodox youth" in Susannah Heschel, ed.
On being a Jewish Feminist (New York: Schocken Books, 1983), pp. 96-97.
3. For all the sayings of the prominent Saints, see Karen Armstrong, The
Gospel According to Woman (London: Elm Tree Books, 1986) pp. 52-62. See
also Nancy van Vuuren, The Subversion of Women as Practiced by Churches,
Witch-Hunters, and Other Sexists (Philadelphia: Westminister Press)
pp.28-30.
4. Leonard J. Swidler, Women in Judaism: the Status of Women in Formative
Judaism (Metuchen, N.J: Scarecrow Press, 1976) pp. 83-93.
5. Jeffry H. Togay, "Adultery," Encyclopaedia Judaica, Vol. II, col. 313.
Also, see Judith Plaskow, Standing Again at Sinai: Judaism from a Feminist
Perspective (New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1990) pp. 170-177.
6. Lesley Hazleton, Israeli Women The Reality Behind the Myths (New York:
Simon and Schuster, 1977) pp. 41-42.
7. Swidler, op. cit., p. 115.
8. Hazleton, op. cit., p. 41.
9. Ibid., pp. 45-46.
10. Ibid., p. 47.
11. Ibid., p. 49.
12. Swidler, op. cit., pp. 144-148.
13. Hazleton, op. cit., pp 44-45.
14. Eugene Hillman, Polygamy Reconsidered: African Plural Marriage and
the Christian Churches (New York: Orbis Books, 1975) p. 140.
15. Ibid., p. 17.
16. Ibid., pp. 88-93.
17. Ibid., pp. 92-97.
18. John D'Emilio and Estelle B. Freedman, Intimate Matters: A history
of Sexuality in America (New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1988) p. 87.
19. Ute Frevert, Women in German History: from Bourgeois Emancipation to
Sexual Liberation (New York: Berg Publishers, 1988) pp. 263-264.
20. Ibid., pp. 257-258.
21. Hillman, op. cit., p. 12.
22. Menachem M. Brayer, The Jewish Woman in Rabbinic Literature: A
Psychosocial Perspective (Hoboken, N.J: Ktav Publishing House, 1986)
p. 239.
23. Ibid., pp. 316-317. Also see Swidler, op. cit., pp. 121-123.
24. Ibid., p. 139.
25. Clara M. Henning, " Cannon Law and the Battle of the Sexes" in Rosemary
R. Ruether, ed., Religion and Sexism: Images of Woman in the Jewish and
Christian Traditions (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1974) p. 272.
26. Donald B. Kraybill, The riddle of the Amish Culture (Baltimore: Johns
Hopkins University Press, 1989) p. 56.
27. The Times, Nov. 18, 1993.
WOMEN IN SHARI'AH (ISLAMIC LAW) by Abdur Rahman I. Doi (1992)
*Presently a Professor at the International Islamic University,
Malaysia.
* Women in Society (Page 17-19)
Maulana Abul A'La Maududi has made a fine psychological distinction,
however, between women looking at men and men looking at women. The man,
he says, "...is by nature aggressive. If a thing appeals to him, he is
urged from within to acquire it. On the other hand, the woman's nature is
one of inhibition and escape. Unless her nature is totally corrupted, she
can never become so aggressive, bold and fearless, as to make the first
advances towards the male who has attracted her. In view of this
distinction, the Legislator (the Prophet) does not regard a woman's
looking at other men to be as harmful as a man's looking at other women.
In several traditions it has been reported that the Prophet (peace be upon
him) let Aisha see a performance given by negroes on the occassion of the
'Id. This shows that there is no absolute prohibition on women looking at
other men. What is prohibited is for women to sit in the same gathering
together with men and stare at them, or look at them in the same manner
which may lead to evil results.
* Social Behavior
The Shariah has placed restrictions on men meeting strange women
privately. Similarly no other man other than her husband is allowed to
touch any part of a woman's body. The following traditions of the Prophet
(peace be upon him) are worth noting in this connection :
"Beware that you do not call on women who are alone," said the Messenger of Allah. One
of the Companions asked, "O Messenger of Allah, what about the younger or
elder brother of the husband?" The Prophet replied, "He is death".
(Tirmidhi, Bukhari and Muslim)
The Prophet said, "The one who touches the hand of a woman without having
a lawful relationship with her, will have an ember placed on his palm on
the Day of Judgement."
(Takmalah, Fath al-Qadir)
Aishah says that the Prophet accepted the oath of allegiance from women
only verbally, without taking their hands into his own hand. He never
touched the hand of a woman who was not married to him.
(Bukhari)
Umaimah, daughter of Ruqaiqah, said that she went to the Prophet in the
company of some other women to take oath of allegiance. He made them
promise that they would abstain from idolatry, stealing, adultery,
slander, and disobedience to the Prophet. When they had taken the oath,
they requested that he take their hands as a mark of allegiance.
The Prophet said, "I do not take the hands of women. Verbal affirmation is
enough."
(Nasai and Ibn Majah)
It is most unfortunate, however, that in spite of this guidance from the
Prophet (peace be upon him) many Muslims have adopted the Western system
of shaking hands with women, using these traditions in respect of old
women as justification. This is clearly an unreasonable extension of the
permission. It is therefore, submitted that the Muslims the world over,
and ulama in particular, must pause to reflect and stop this Un-Islamic
practice which has crept into our society. There cannot be a better form
of greeting than uttering ASsalamualaikum (peace be upon you) and greeting
back with Waalaikumsalam
(peace be upon you too).
* The Mosque - Page 29
There is a clear tradition of the Prophet (peace be upon him) encouraging
women to offer their prayers inside their houses : "The best mosques for
women are the inner parts of their houses"
Since the Prophet had not forbidden women to attend the mosques, they
continued to come to the mosques. But after his death it became
increasingly clear that it was not keeping with the dignity and honour of
Muslim women to come to the mosques for prayers, especially at night,
because men, being what they were, would tease them. Therefore, the Khalif
Umar told women not to come to the mosques, but to offer their prayers
inside their own houses. The women of Madina resented this prohibition and
complained to Aisha. But they received a fitting reply from her : "If the
Prophet knew what Umar knows, he would not have granted you permission to
go out (to the mosque)".
It is reported by Abu Hurairah that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said,
"The best row for men is the first, and the worst for them is the last.
The best row for women is the last, and the worst is the first."
(Muslim)
* Divorce (Page 84)
Talaq is a right available mainly to the husband, but not to the wife.
even though Islam allows divorce, the Prophet (peace be upon him) says :
"Of all things that Islam has permitted, divorce is the most hated by Allah. "
(Abu Dawud)
This shows that the right is to be exercised only when there are
sufficiently compelling reasons to do so. Hasty and wanton use of the
right of divorce is regarded as most condemnable in Islam. The Prophet
said, "Marry and do not divorce, undoubtedly the Throne of the Beneficient
Lord shakes due to divorce".
Thus Islam encourages reconciliation between spouses rather than severance
of their relations.
* Repentance of the Slanderer (Page 126-127)
If a husband puts forward an accusation against his wife or a wife against
her husband, the Holy Quran lays down the following procedure :
"And for those who launch a charge against their spouses, and have (in
support) no evidence but their own, their solitary evidence can be
received if they bear witness four times with an oath by Allah that they
are solemnly telling the truth. And the fifth (oath) should be that they
solemnly invoke the curse of Allah on themselves if they tell a lie. But
it would avert the punishment from the wife if she bears witness four
times with (an oath) by Allah that he (her husband) is telling a lie. And
the fifth (oath) should be that she solemnly invokes the wrath of Allah on
herself if (her accuser) is telling the truth. (24 : 6-9)
* Women and Education (Page 138-139)
The Holy Prophet made women integral to his plan for Muslim education and
learning when he declared :
"An acquisition of knowledge is obligatory for every Muslim, male and female"
The Holy Prophet made it a point of duty for every father and mother to
make sure that their daughters (and sons) did not remain ignorant of the
teachings of Islam because they would, after the marriage, have to play
important roles as housewives and as mothers of children. In case the
parents had failed to impart such knowledge to their daughters, it was
made incumbent upon husbands to teach their wives the basic principles so
that they would lead their lives according to the teachings of Islam.
It is reported that Malik Ibn Huwayrith and a group of young men had come
to live near the Prophet and acquire knowledge from him.
When they decided to return to their respective homes, the Prophet told them,
"Return home to your wives and children and stay with them. Teach them
(what you have learnt) and ask them to act upon it." (Al -Bukhari)
"Ignorant and illiterate mothers cannot possibly rear their children and
raise them to be good, effective, capable and intelligent Muslims, in the
world today" (Maryam Jameelah Answers Questions, The Criterion, p.46)
To conclude, the seven brilliant jewels of a mu'mins faith (iman) as
mentioned in these verses are :
1. Humility 2. Avoidance of vanity 3. Charity 4. Sexual purity
5. Fidelity to trusts 6. Fidelity to covenants
7. An earnest desire to get closer to Allah
"Waqul Rabbi Zidni Ilma"
Wedding in Islam
Mir Mohammed Assadullah
assadullah@na-net.ornl.gov
Spouses
Allah, most Gracious says about spouses in Quran:
Among His signs is [the fact] that He has created spouses for you among yourselves so that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has planted love and mercy between you; In that are signs for people who reflect.
Qur'an [30 : 21]
and says:
... they are a garment for you and you are a garment to them ...
Qur'an [2 : 187]
Consider this in conjunction with the following verse:
... the best garment is the garment of God-consciousness ...
Qur'an [7 : 26]
It requires that a husband and wife should be as garments for each other. Just as garments are for protection, comfort, show and concealment for human beings, Allah expects husbands and wives to be for one another.
And the believers, men and women, are protecting friends of one another; they enjoin the right and forbid the wrong, and they establish worship and they pay the poor-due, and they obey Allah and His messenger; as for those, Allah will have mercy on them; Lo! Allah is Mighty, Wise. Allah hath promised to believers - men and women - gardens underwhich rivers flow, to dwell therein, and beautiful mansions in gardens of everlasting bliss; but the greatest bliss is the good pleasure of Allah: This is the supreme felicity.
Qur'an [9 : 71 - 72]
Whom to marry
Allah also gives us freedom and urges us to:
...Marry the women of your choice...
Qur'an [4 : 3]
Similarly, for the women:
"A girl came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) and informed him that her father had married her to her cousin against her wishes, whereupon the Prophet allowed her to exercise her choice. She then said, 'I am reconciled to what my father did but I wanted to make it known to women that fathers have no say in this matter'".
[Ibn Majah]
Narrated Abdullah: "We were with the Prophet, peace be upon him, while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman [otherwise] you will be a loser.'"
[Bukhari]
Mahr
Mahr is the gift that is given by the husband to his wife at wedding. It can be anything in any amount, as agreed by the bride and bride-groom. Allah says about Mahr in the Chapter `Woman' in Quran:
And give the women (on marriage) their Mahr as a free gift ...
Qur'an [4 : 4]
But if you had given the latter a cantar (of gold i.e. a great amount) for dower (Mahr) take not the least bit of it back ...
Qur'an [4 : 20]
Narrated Sahl bin Sa`d: " A woman came to the Prophet,, and presented herself to him (for marriage). He said, 'I am not in need of women these days.' Then a man said, 'O Allah's Apostle! Marry her to me." The Prophet asked him, 'What have you got?' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet said, 'Give her something, even an iron ring.' He said, 'I have got nothing.' The Prophet asked (him), "How much of the Quran do you know (by heart)?' He said, 'So much and so much.' The Prophet said, 'I have married her to you for what you know of the Quran.' '"
[Bukhari]
Sex
Sex is seen as an act of procreation. An eye for the what is about to come is kept open in this respect as well. The following prayer reminds us of God, results of our actions, and reminds us of our commitment to train our offsprings.
Narrated Ibn Abbas: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `If anyone of you, when having a sexual intercourse with his wife says:
In the name of Allah! O Allah! Protect me from Satan and protect what you bestow upon us (i.e. an offspring) from Satan.
and if it is destined that they should have a child, then Satan will never be able to harm him.'"
[Bukhari]
Walima
Walima is the wedding reception given to friends and family after the consummation of marriage. It is given by the husband on this auspicious occassion, showing his happiness and sharing it with the friends and family.
Narrated Anas: When 'Abdur-Rahman came to us, the Prophet established a bond of brotherhood between him and Sa'd bin Ar-Rabi'. Once the Prophet said, "As you (O 'Abdur-Rahman) have married, give a wedding banquet even if with one sheep." '"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Musa: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Set the captives free, accept the invitation (including to a wedding banquet), and pay a visit to the patients.'"
[Bukhari]
By this saying of the Prophet, peace be upon him, it is also enjoined upon us to join in the happiness of our brothers.
Duties and Rights of Husband and Wife after marriage
Allah informs us about the just rights of each other on us:
... the wife's rights (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband's) rights with regard to them, although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise.
Qur'an [2 : 228]
The statement that men are a degree above women means that authority within the household has been give to the husband in preference to the wife because a heavier burden has been placed on his shoulders by another verse of the Quran which says:
Men shall take full care of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means.Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard ...
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Advices to Husbands
Jabir Narrated that the Prophet, peace be upon him, gave these instructions in his sermon during Farewell Pilgrimage: "Fear God regarding women; for you have taken them [in marriage] with the trust of God."
[Mishkat]
Narrated Aisha, God's messenger said: "Among the believers who show most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition, and are kindest to their families."
[Tirmidhi]
Narrated Abu Huraira, God's messenger said: "The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition and the best of you are those who are best to their wives."
[Tirmidhi]
Aisha has related that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, would enter the house with a pleasing disposition and a smile on his lips.
[Uswa-i-Hasana]
Narrated Al-Aswad: "I asked Aisha, `What did the Prophet, peace be upon him, do at home?' She said, `He used to work for his family and when he heard the call for the prayer, he would go out.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The woman is like a rib; if you try to straighten her, she will break. So if you want to get benefit from her, do so while she still has some bent.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (trouble) his neighbor. And I advise you to take care of women, for they are created from a rib and the most crooked portion of the rib is its upper part; if you try to straighten it, it will break, and if you leave it, it will reamin crooked, so I urge you to take care of women.
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abdullah bin Amr bin Al-As: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `O Abdullah! Have I not been informed that you fast all the day and stand in prayer all night?' I said, `Yes, O Allah's Apostle!' He said, `Do not do that! Observe the fast sometimes and also leave them at other times; stand up for the prayer at night and also sleep at night. Your body has a right over you and your eyes have right over you and your wife has a right over you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Ibn Umar: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `All of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards. The ruler is a guardian and the man is a guardian of his family; the lady is a guardian who is responsible for her husband's house and his offspring; and so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards.'"
[Bukhari]
Men should forbear any shortcomings of women in view of the following verse of Quran:
Live with them in kindness; even if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something in which God has placed much good.
Qur'an [4 : 19]
Advices to Wives
Anas reported God's messenger as saying, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of paradise she wishes (in other words nothing will prevent her from entering paradise)."
[Mishkat]
Um Salama reported God's messenger as saying, "Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise."
[Tirmidhi]
Abu Huraira told that when God's messenger was asked which woman was best, he replied, "The one who fills [her husband] with joy when he sees her, obeys him when he directs and does not oppose him by displeasing him regarding her person or property."
[Mishkat]
Providing for wife and family
Quran teaches us to be reasonable and fair to our wives and family.
House women wherever you reside, accoding to your circumstances, and do not harass them in order to make life difficult for them ...
Qur'an [65 : 6]
The statement of Allah in the chapter `Woman':
`Men are protectors and maintainers of women ...'
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Bukhari quotes the following verse under the heading: .. the superiority of providing for one's family:
(O Mohammed!) They ask you what they ought to spend. Say: That which is beyond your needs. Thus Allah make clear to you His Signs in order that you may give thought (to it) in this worldly life and the Hereafter ...
Qur'an [2 : 219-220]
Narrated Abu Masud Al-Ansari: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah's reward, it is regarded as Sadqa (spending in the name of God) for him.'"
[Bukhari]
We should always remember that Allah is the one who gives us, we are mere trustees of the funds.
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `Allah said, O the son of Adam! Spend, and I shall spend on you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The best alms is that which you give when you are rich, and you should support your dependants first.'"
[Bukhari]
Abu Huraira reported God's messenger, peace be upon him, as saying: "Of the dinar (unit of currency) that you spend as a contribution in God's path, or to set free a slave, or as charity given to a needy, or to support your family, the one yielding the greatest reward is that which you spent on your family.
Sheikh Syed Darsh, graduate of Al-Azhar, Cairo, Chairman of UK
Shari'ah Council and expert on family matters, answers some
frequently asked questions about marriage. These questions are
taken from the magazine called "Trends".
*********Is it a sunnah/recommendation to marry one's cousin or
is the reverse true - marry from afar to produce strong
progeny?
It is not a sunnah or a recommendation to marry one's cousin nor
is the reverse true;to marry from afar to produce strong
progeny. This whole question is left to the social customs or
norms.
I am told by a Muslim scholar from a traditional-tribal society
that the cousin has the social right upon his female cousin and
that she is not to be offered to him first. No one may propose
to her until he has expressed his wish not to marry her. In a
way, within the Arab, particularly tribal societies, they
consider marrying within the family, more honourable, more
protective; keeping lineage pure and well established.
However, there is a statement which is attributed mistakenly to
the Messenger of Allah, "Marry from outside the family,
otherwise your offspring will be weak." In fact this, or
something similar, is correctly attributed to Umar ibn
Al-Khattab saying to the family of As-Saib, "Your offspring are
becoming so thin and weak. Marry outside your close of kin." In
discouraging this marriage, Al-Ghazali in his Ihya Ulum ad-Deen
says, "Familiarity and close family tie weaken the sexual desire
in both of them. As a result, children become weak." This is not
a good reason. For surely, when partners marry, after a few
months they become familiar, there may be nothing new to attract
as they know each other inside out, but the natural desire is
there.
However, research nowadays is showing that the marriage of close
relatives leads to the accumulation of negative inherited
qualities. For scientific reasons therefore it may be advisable
to marry from afar.
******* Can a girl/boy choose her/his own partner?
Traditionally girls were the passive partners in such matches.
The possibility of meeting, becoming acquainted with or
familiarising oneself with the male partner-to-be was not widely
available. It was left to families, who know one another in
static immovable communities, to arrange such a proposal.
Al-Islam has given each party the right to see the family
setting. If they like one another, the match may go further and
marriage preparation proceed.
One of the companions of the Prophet(SAW) told him one day that
he proposed to a girl. The Prophet(SAW) said, "Have you seen
her?" He said, "No".He said to him, "See her. For this would
bless your marriage with success". The same is true as far as
the girl is concerned. The messenger of Allah has given the
girl the right to express her views on the proposed person. He
said, "The permission of the virgin is to be sought. And if she
does not object, her silence is her permission." As for the
divorced or one who is widowed, no one has a say with her.
That is, she has to express very clearly her desire in accepting
or rejecting. This is the traditional old fashioned way.
Nowadays girls go to school and proceed to universities. They
meet with boys in classrooms, Islamic societies and at
universities up and down the country. They get to know one
another in a decent moral environment. They are mature, well
educated, cultured and outspoken. These factors have to be taken
into consideration. Once a decent, good mannered Islamicly
committed young Muslim attracts the attention of a like minded
Muslimah, their parents have to be reasonable. Of course, they
are interested in the happiness and success of the marriage of
their son or daughter, but they have to realise that they are
not buying or selling commodities. Their care, compassion and
love for their children should not make them extra protective or
act as a barrier between their children and their children's
future. In the words of the hadith "If a person with satisfying
religious attitude comes to seek your daughter in marriage,
accept that. If you do not, there will be great mischief on
earth and a great trouble." At the same time young people who
are blessed with education have to show patience, understanding
and should argue their case in a rational and respectable
manner.
************ What should we look for in a partner?
It is very difficult to give general guidelines, as people are
individuals and as such have different priorities when selecting
a life long partner. However, the hadith of the Prophet(SAW) has
given us some clues as to what is to be desired most in both men
and women. Because it is usually the male who proposes, the
address in the hadith is directed to the male would-be-suitor.
He said, "A woman maybe be sought in marriage either for her
beauty, nobility, wealth or religious inclination. Seek the last
and you will be the more successful." The same holds for the
female in the choice of a partner.
However, the hadith does not exclude beauty. It is one of the
qualities satisfying and protecting the hungry gaze. If that is
required in the young woman, it is required in the man too.
Al-Qurtubi reported the Prophet(SAW) as saying, "Do not give
your daughters to the ugly or nasty looking. For they desire of
men what men desire of women."
The wife of Thabit ibn Qays said to the messenger of Allah, "My
face and his face will never look at one another" He asked her,
"Why?" She said, "I looked at him coming in the company of other
of his friends and he was the shortest and the ugliest." The
messenger asked her, "Will you return to him the dower he has
given you?" She replied, "Even if he asks more, I shall give it
to him." The Prophet(SAW) told the husband, "Take what you have
given her and release her." He did.
The age difference between potential partners should not be too
great. It is not fair to give a young girl to a man who is
twenty or thirty years her senior. If she, for one reason or
another, accepts, or he accepts, then it is their choice. But
they should be aware of the future of their relationship and the
implications of such a marriage.
A grey haired man passed by a young black haired girl and he
proposed to her. She looked at him and said, "I accept, but
there is a snag". He enquired to which she answered, "I have
some grey hair." The man passed on without a word. She called
out, "My uncle, look at my hair!" She had hair as black as coal.
He said to her, "Why did you say what you did?" She answered,
"To let you know that we do not like of men what they do not
like of women."
Marriage is not for fun or experience. It is a life long
relationship. For that reason, any factor detrimental to the
relationship should be avoided as much as possible. Highly
educated males and females should seek partners of similar
educational background. Cultural and family background is very
important. Common language is an essential way of communicating.
Such things help the two partners to understand, communicate and
relate to one another and are factors of stability and success.
Financial independence and the ability to provide a decent
acceptable level of maintenance. Again, this is a way of
insuring that outside influences do not spoil an otherwise happy
life.
All ways and means should be considered giving a solid bases for
new human experience which is expected to provide a framework
for a happy, successful and amicable life. All this is to be
considered within the context of Muslims living in Britain
today.
A Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man. A
Muslim man has to think very seriously indeed before marrying a
woman from the people of the book and conversion just for the
sake of marriage may not be a genuine reason. In a non-Muslim
country a Muslim man has no right to bring up his children as
Muslims, and this obligation particularly if love gradually
dries up and the relationship begins to show signs of strain.
The question of common language, background, education and age
etc. are meant, in an ordinary stable context, to maximise the
chances of success and stability in a very important Islamic
institution - that of marriage. However, considering the
particular position of Muslim communities living in minority
situations, young Muslims, male and female, are exposed to all
sorts of challenges be they cultural, linguistic, racial or
social. The most fundamental question when choosing a partner is
a religious one. As far as language, background, or social
position are concerned, these are not significant factors that
absolutely must be fulfilled before a marriage can take place,
indeed such considerations may not be relevant to young Muslims
living in Britain as they have common language - English, and
the social positions of their families in their countries of
origins may well be equalised living in Britain. If the
prospective partner is of a good character, strong religious
inclination and the two young people are happy and feel
compatible with one another other considerations are not of such
importance.
******* Can a parent refuse a proposal from a good Muslim for
his daughter on the basis that the suitor is not of the
same race/caste?
There is no concept of caste in Islam. Racial background is a
fact of life. The Qur'an considers the difference of race,
colour or language as signs of the creative ability of Allah:
"And of His signs is the creation of the heavens and earth and
the difference of your language and colours. Lo! Here indeed are
signs for men of knowledge."(Ar-Rum:22).
In chapter 49, verse 13 is the most universal doctrine of human
equality and brotherhood: "Oh mankind! We have created you from
a male and a female, and then rendered you into nations and
tribes so that you might know one another. Indeed the most
honourable among you in the sight of Allah is he who is most
pious."
There is a wealth of ahadith quoted by Al-Qurtubi in his
commentary on this Qur'anic verse where the messenger of Allah
condemned outright any racial impact on the Islamic society. For
the very reason we come across many examples of people who, from
a racial view, were not considered equal to Arab women marrying
among the high tribal class. Bilal married the sister of
AbdurRahman ibn Awf. Zayd was married to one of the noble ladies
of the tribe of Quraysh and so on.
But customs die hard and no sooner are they abolished, they
start to reappear again. Salman al-Farsi proposed to the
daughter of Umar, the khalifa. He accepted. His knowledgeable,
pious son and great companion of the Prophet(SAW) was upset. He
complained to Amr ibn Al-Aas. Amr said, "Leave it to me and I
will get him to retract from that." When Amr met Salman he said
to him, "Congratulations. It came to my knowledge that the
Commander of the Faithful humbled himself and accepted to give
you his daughter in marriage." Salman felt slighted by this and
thought and retorted, "By Allah, I will never accept to marry
his daughter!"
Al-Hajjaj, the brute of the Ummayyad era married the daughter of
Muhammad ibn Ja'far, Abdul Malik, the Ummayyad king was furious.
He said to Muhammad, "You gave one of the noble of Qurayshite
women to a slave from Thaqif!" and he ordered Al-Hajjaj to
divorce her.
So this social attitude is very difficult to abolish outright.
It does not make a difference whether the parents are well
educated or unlettered. In the new environment of living in
Britain the situation may ease gradually. However, young
educated people who find themselves locked in such situations
have to be patient to advance their case. Failing that, I would
advise them to read my article, "Guardianship in Marriage' (See
page 11 for details).
******* Should children deliberately go about altering the views
of their parents/relatives by marrying in a manner they
know is allowed but frowned upon by the others?
This should be the last resort if they really are very
emotionally attached to one another. Marriage is a solemn,
important bond. It cannot be played about with as a means of
changing die-hard customs. The marrying couple will be the
first victims of such a deficient gesture. I am saying, if they
really love one another, so that this love may sustain them
until they are able to change the attitude of their parents,
then well and good. Though, it will not change the attitude of
the whole community.
However, it would be suicidal to jump into this type of
relationship just to change people. It may prove that the couple
do not have the common cause to sustain this gesture of
rejection. They themselves may reject the attempt. The
consequences of such actions can be far reaching.
******* What are the rituals of marriage of that are the
sacred/important ones?
There are no such rituals in an Islamic marriage. It is a simple
form of expressing the commitment to live as husband and wife.
The procedure is as follows: There is a young man wishing to get
married and a young woman who is ready for marriage. Their
families know one another and so the man's family approaches the
woman's family - (The opposite is also appropriate). If there is
acceptance, the two persons have the chance of seeing, talking,
exploring - in a chaperoned, not in a private manner - with one
another. If they choose to settle down, some gifts may be
exchanged and a date set for the announcement of the match and
working out of the marriage preparations. The families may
arrange the civil ceremony first, then go to the mosque or house
where the formal Islamic agreement may take place.
The woman's guardian, usually the father, will say to the
would-be-husband, "I give you my daughter, (the girl in my
guardianship), in marriage in accordance to the Islamic
Shari'ah, in the presence of the witnesses here with the dowry
agreed upon. And Allah is our best witness."
The young man, or his father, will reply by saying, "I accept
marrying your daughter, guard, giving her name, to myself" -
repeating the other words. Thus, the marriage is concluded.
It is good Islamic practice to announce the ceremony, to hold it
in a mosque and to have some form of entertainment. In the words
of the Prophet(SAW), "Declare this marriage, have it in the
mosque and beat the drums." This is used to be the best the way
of establishing that great, sacred relationship.
******* What is dowry and who gives it to whom?
The question of dowry is one of the rights of the Muslim woman
as part of the correct contract of marriage. The Qur'an states
in chapter 4, verse 4: "And give the women their dowries as a
free gift, but if they are pleased to offer you any of it accept
it with happiness and with wholesome pleasure."
The dowry is defined in the legal text books as: "the wealth the
wife deserves upon her husband as a result of the contract of
marriage on the consummation."
So the dower is to be given by the husband to his correctly
wedded wife. It is enjoined by the Qur'an, the practical
examples of the Messenger of Allah and the consensus of the
companions of the Prophet(SAW).
There is no specific minimum or maximum. The customs of the
community play a great part in deciding the agreed amount to be
given as dower. In the past, families would ask of a dower
which reflects the social status of them. After the spread of
education and the maturity of age of both husband and wife,
families began to relax this custom, taking into consideration
that young people who start work after graduation do not have
much money to offer for the girls they have going to marry.
Families have come to the realisation that dower is a symbolic
gesture. It is good to start building their family life without
incurring a debt which may ruin their happiness and future
prospects. If both husband and wife are working, the families
may prefer that the young couple build their life from scratch
together, rather than burdening them with hefty dower which they
cannot afford.
It is not Islamic to ask the woman to give dower to the husband.
This is not a noble thing to ask a woman. The Islamic
Requirement is not because the man is going to buy the woman, it
is to express his love, care and the dignity of the woman.
Whatever expresses these sentiments, great or small, is
considered to be an acceptable dowry, simply because it
expresses these feelings.
******* Is it necessary to have a civil marriage?
It is important to have a marriage registered with the civil
authority so that it may be recognised. There are many legal
implications as a result of such a registration. Firstly, it is
the recognised marriage in this country. The civil marriage if
it is attended by at least two male Muslim witnesses amounts to
a correct Islamic marriage. It is only the social aspect which
leads to another ceremony in a mosque with an imam officiating,
although these things are not required Islamicly.
Secondly, without the civil marriage, the entitlement to
inheritance, pension and legal documentation are not accepted by
the authority. For the sake of legality it must be registered.
In Muslim countries nowadays they have made it an administrative
obligation to register the marriage. This is to officiate and
recognise all aspects that come from the marital relationship.
So, if for nothing else, it is a must for the sake of the
children.
********** Weddings these days seem such costly ventures. Is
one required to spend huge sums on a wedding?
Weddings are a social expression of the occasion of marriages.
Moderation is the Islamic concept in all aspects of a Muslim's
life. Weddings should not be ostentatious nor are they supposed
to be expressions of pride and competition. It is not fair for
the parents or the young couple to start their life debt ridden
as a result of an occasion which lasted a couple of hours or a
little longer. Expenses in all steps leading to marriage should
not be a burden. Big cars, fancy wedding costumes, big parties,
expensive hotels or halls, all such expenses should be avoided.
But at the same time, it should not be a dull and gloomy
occasion. It is an occasion of great joy and happiness and
should be celebrated as such.
The most important is the walima - the dinner party. It is the
sunnah so that relatives, friends and acquaintances may come to
share the joy of the occasion, to give thanks to Allah and to
entertain needy people within the community.
This was a pre-Islamic custom which Islam accepted. It was the
responsibility of the husband or his family. The Prophet(SAW)
saw some coloured perfume on AbdurRahman. He asked him about it
and AbdurRahman replied, "I got married". The Prophet(SAW) told
him, "Make a walima with at least one lamb." The Prophet(SAW)
himself made a number of walimas each time he got married. The
walimas differed according to the financial position of the
time. The best walima recorded was that of Zaynab. Nearly three
hundred people were entertained and fed meat and bread. On other
occasions the Prophet(SAW) asked his companions to bring
whatever food was available.
The important part is the coming together, sharing the happiness
and advertising the new relationship in a moderate and
inexpensive manner.
********** Are secret marriages allowed? Like at universities
where girls or boys marry without parental consent,
knowledge or approval?
The word used in the question, `secret', is anathema to the
concept of marriage which is a relationship built to secure
peace, happiness and tranquillity. There are many rights and
obligations resulting from agreement of marriage. These include
the honour and integrity of the woman concerned, her family and
relations and most importantly, offspring. In so many instances,
even with use of precautions, women get pregnant. How can they
face this situation? Where lies the blame? And what if the
young couple tire of one another after taking what they want
from one another? Who loses in such situations? That is why
Muslim scholars frown upon secretive arrangements even though
other basic formalities were satisfied. They argue that the
Shari'ah has made it mandatory to publicise marriage in every
available way. They quote a number of statements of the
Prophet(SAW) to that effect. For example the statement, "There
is no valid marriage without a guardian and two witnesses. Any
arrangement short of that is invalid, invalid, invalid." Another
statement quoted by the Hanafi texts, "Any marriage not attended
by four people is not a marriage, it is a fornication. They
are: the suitors, the guardian and two witnesses."
Scholars differentiate between two types of what is known as
common marriage. Common, here, stands in contrast to well
documented marriage. The first is when marriage takes place
without being officially recorded. But it takes place within the
family, is known among the friends and neighbours but for other
reasons it is not registered. Maybe the couple are drawing
unmarried benefits or whatever. This is an acceptable religious
marriage even though there are unethical motives behind it.
The other type is exactly the one referred to in the question.
When the two parties agree to keep it secret. They ask two
friends to witness the marriage with the understanding that they
do not talk about it. And they did not, I repeat, they did not
register it. This does not amount to a secure, tranquil
marriage. It is simply satisfying their physical need. The
comment of a scholar, who was a judge before taking the chair of
the Islamic Shari'ah in the Faculty of Law, Cairo University, is
that "We do not condone, nor accept such an arrangement. It is
far from the real concept of marriage. Families and girls'
honour should not be treated so flippantly. In my life as a
judge I came across so many miserable, depressing cases
resulting in acrimonious disputes. Allah's Shari'ah has to be
respectfully followed. Any so called legal fictions in this
particular matter must be shunned."
And Allah says the Truth and guides to the right way.
Guardianship in Marriage by Sheikh Darsh Available from Amanah
Publications FAO Ashfaq Ali, 841 Barkerend Road, Bradford, BD3
8QJ
Tips to a Better Marriage
By Sr. Muntaqima Abdur-Rashid
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among
yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has
put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for
those who reflect" (30: 21).
I have listed some rules that may benefit those seeking an Islamic
marriage, as well as, those who are already married. I do not pretend
to be an expert of any kind. I have learned what I know through
marrying at the early age of 18, just 9 months after em bracing
Islam. I muddled my way through much of my 14 years of marriage, and
consider myself a graduate from the 'school of hard knocks'. The rules
are:
1. Be conscious of your physical appearance. No one was more conscious
of this than the Prophet. His Sulmah reflects keen attention to
personal hygiene and good grooming. He kept himself strong and
muscular. Most likely the first aspect of you that attracted your mate
was your appearance, so don't think that simply because you are
married the task is over. You can't hide a weight problem under
Thawbs' (dress) and long Khimars' (veils). Your mate knows. Be aware
that you live in a society that places a high premium on physical
appearance. It flaunts the shapely female and her muscular
counterpart. Temptations that beckon non-Muslims beckon Muslims as
well. Don 't allow your mate to get side-tracked by the likes of a
'Raquel Welch or an Arnold Schwarzenegger'. Jog, join a gym, roller
skate, swim and stay in shape. Insha' Allah, you will be more vibrant,
more radiant, and more attractive to your mate.
2. Be aware of your role, but do not fall into role- playing. Muslim
spouses sometimes experience difficulties because they are trying to
do things 'by the book' without giving due consideration to the
conditions prevailing in their country. For example, most female
converts are taught that the role of the Muslim woman is to be at home
raising her children. Supposedly, it is the man who works outside the
home to maintain the family. She may have read about Birth Control and
assumed that it has no place for the Muslimah; yet, it is worth noting
that the Prophet himself allowed coitus interruptus. If ideal Islamic
conditions prevailed, there would be no reason for a sister to worry
about her financial situation interfering with her right to bear
children. However, without an Islamic society, needy Muslim families
may have to resort to welfare and food stamps rather than Zakaah and
Sadaqah. This creates a feeling of dependence and humiliation that can
place extreme stress on a marriage. In this ease, it may be helpful
for the Muslim couple to delay having children, for the wife to work
while the children are young and until the couple 's financial
situation improves. Islam gives you this flexibility. Don't be afraid
or ashamed to use it.
3. Be a companion to your mate. Try to show enthusiasm for your spouse
's interests and hobbies. It is well-known that the Prophet would run
races with 'Ayesha. By all means try to involve your mate in your
interests.
4. Be active in Islamic community life. This will strengthen your
commitment to Islam while providing you wish a wholesome social
outlet. Encourage your spouse to engage in activities that promote
Islam. Have dinners at your home for Muslims as well as non-Muslims,
and don't neglect your relatives. These activities will indirectly
enhance the quality of your marriage through widening your circle of
activity and con~ac~s.
5. Admit your mistakes and have a forgiving, generous attitude when
your mate errs. This country is a difficult place to live in. Most
Muslims fall short of the Islamic ideal. Contradictions abound. Be
quick to admit your shortcomings and work to amend them. Be
understanding when your mate does not live up to the Islamic ideal and
gently try to motivate him or her in the right direction.
6. Have a sense of humour. Be able to chuckle at life's minor
aggravations.
7. Be modest when around members of the opposite sex. Do not try to
test your spouse's affection by feigning interest in another. This
will only cause dissension and bad feelings.
8. Share household duties. Brothers, take note. This is especially
important these days when women work outside the home. The Prophet
always helped his wives around the house and even mended his own
clothes. Who knows? You might find you actually like preparing the
evening meal or taking care of junior so your wife can have the
afternoon off. The Messenger of Allah said, "The most perfect of the
believers in faith is the best of them in moral excellence, and the
best of you are the kindest of you to their wives" (at-Tirmidhi).
9. Surprise each other with gifts. Treat her to an evening out alone,
away from the children. There are no words to describe the lift this
can give to a marriage.
10. Communicate your feelings to one another, good and bad. Tell him
how handsome he looks. Where there is disagreement, have an open
discussion. Don ' t collect red stamps. Nip it in the bud .
11. Live within your means. Stay away from credit cards if you can.
Sisters, take note. Don't envy the possessions of your friends, and
belittle your husband because he can't provide them for you. Muslim
couples will do well to stay away from ostentatious living. The
Prophet did not live this way, neither should you.
12. Respect your mate's need for privacy. A quiet time to oneself,
either at home or away from home, each day can make a disagreeable
person agreeable.
13. Don 't share personal problems with others. There are a few
exceptions to this rule, but if you must discuss personal problems,
make sure it is with a person in whom you have the utmost confidence.
If you have a learned Muslim brother or sister in your community, seek
him or her out first.
14. Be sensitive to your mate's moods. If you want to share a personal
achievement, don't do it when your spouse is 'down in the dumps ' .
Wait for the proper time.
You may be saying to yourself, "This is
easier said than done." Well, you're right. A successful marriage
doesn't just happen. It's not simply a matter of luck or finding the
right person. It takes hard work and determination. It means being
selfless and making mistakes. It means having vengeance on your mind
but forgiveness in your heart. But, then, its perfection is "half of
faith".
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the
comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead
righteous. Qur'an 25:74
"The whole world is an asset and the best asset is a good
wife" (Muslim)
"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates
from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity
with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts).
Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect" (30: 21).
From: Marriage in Islam by Muhammad Abdul-Rauf, Ph.D
Chapter 4
A HAPPY CONJUGAL HOUSEHOLD
Mutual Rights and Obligations including Sex Etiquette
In order to ensure an atmosphere of harmony and to promote a cheerful and successful life in the newly established nest of the newlyweds, Islam has provided guidance in defining the relationship between husband and wife and in distributing the rights and obligations arising from this relationship.
In Islam the husband is the head of the household. This is not male chauvenism. It derives from the natural psychological and physical makeup of the male. Man does not suffer from a regular monthly indisposition with its attendant adverse psychological effects. He does not have to be confined by pregnancy or for delivery; nor can he feed children from his breasts. He is therefore always ready to go out and search for sustenance for himself and his dependents. In fact it was Islam which delivered woman from her plight. It established her equality with man both theoretically and practically. It restored her dignity and recovered her freedom. The Quran stresses her right to benefit from the fruits of her efforts as much as man is entitled to benefit from his (IV, 7). It severely condemned the old customs of ill-treating women (XVI, 58/59,and LXXXI 8/9), and protected their rights in one of the longest chapters, IV, which is given the title "Women." We have already noticed that in the process of the marriage contract, the bride initiates the offer of marriage, a significant detail which emphasizes her spontaneous free action in making this most important decision.
Let us now set out to consider the obligations imposed by Islam upon the husband toward his wife , and then proceed to discuss those of the wife toward her husband.
THE HUSBAND'S DUTIES
1. A husband is responsible for the protection, happiness and maintenance of his wife. He is responsible for the cost of her food, clothes and accommodation. Although she may have to cook, he has to buy her the raw materials and cooking and kitchen facilities, as may be required and applicable. He may also have to buy her two sets of clothes or more each year, providing the types of clothing suitable for the seasons. However, the number of sets of clothes and their quality depend on the husbands means and social requirements. A wife is also entitled to a comfortable, independent accomodation, suitably furnished and provided with basiic sanitation facilities. She is not obliged to stay with the husband's parents or relatives as he is not obliged to live with hers. She is also entitled to enjoy herslef with her husband in a relaxed atmophere, free from the embarrassment caused by the presence of another adult in the household The cost of smoking or of a forbidden fruit or drink is not to be provided by the husband.
2. In addition to providing these material needs, a husband has to be kind, understanding and forgiving, and must treat his wife in a tender and loving manner. He not only should avoid hurting her but should bear with her if she ever does something disagreeable, so long as this clemency does not spoil her and she does not habitually behave out of bounds. The Quran reads:
...and treat them [women] kindly. [IV,19}
And the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:
[Fear] God, [fear] God in the matter of women. They are weak partners, a trust from God with you; and they are made by the divine word permissible for you.
He also says:
Whoever of you whose wife behaves in a disagreeable manner and he responds by kindness and patience, God will give him rewards as much as Job will be given for his patience.
Patient behavior was the practice of the Prophet, even when his wife dared to address him harshly. Once his mother-in-law- saw her daugher strike him with her fist on his noble chest. When the enraged mother -in-law began to reproach her daugher, the Prophet smilingly said, "Leave her alone; they do worse than that." And once Abu Bakr, his father-in-law, was invited to settle some misunderstanding between him and Aishah. The Prophet said to her, "Will you speak, or shall I speak?" Aisha said, "You speak, but do not say except the truth." Abu Bakr was so outraged that he immediately struck her severely, forcing her to run and seek protection behind the back of the Prophet. Abu Bakr said, "O you the enemy of herself! Does the Messenger of God say but the truth?" The Propeht said, "O Abu Bakr, we did not invite you for this [harsh dealing with Aishah], nor did we anticipate it."
3. It is further recommended that a husband be relaxed with his wife, and cheer her up with his humor or by making agreeable jokes. The Prophet, peace and belessings be upon him, in spite of his lofty status, used to play with his wife. He ran in competition with Aishah. Sometimes she won, and other times he won. And once, hearing an Abyssinian entertainment team playing outside the home, the Prophet said to Aisha, "Would you like to see them?" When she agreed, he sent for them and they came and performed in front of his door. The Prophet stretched his hand, putting his palm on the open door and letting Aisha's chin rest on his arm so that she culd see comfortably. A while later the Propeht asked Aishah, "Enough?" She said, "Silence!" Another while later he asked, "Enough?" and the answer was again, "Silence!" But when he asked her for the third time, "Enough? she agreed, "Yes," and the team went away on a gesture from the Prophet. He then said, "The most perfect belief is that of those who are best-mannered and most tender with their wives. " The Propeht also used to say, "Surely God does not love a rough person who is boastful, and rude to his wife." A Bedouin widow once described her husband: "He came always with a smile and left with a greeting. When he was hungry he ate whatever was found, and did not bother when something was missing!"
4. It is of supreme importance that the husband endeavor to handle the matter of sex relations with skill, care and understanding. He should not regard his wife as an object for his own enjoyment alone but as a partner with whom he should always seek mutual bliss, satisfaction and fulfillment. He should always approach her with love and tenderness. In the early stages of marriage, especially in their first expereince on the wedding day, he has to be particulary gentle. The husband should always have due regard for his wife's feelings and should endeavor to let her reach the degree of full satisfaction in this respect. Because of the importance of this element, early Muslim authorities discussed such details as love play, the techniques that arouse excitement, and the question of orgasm. The right Islamic literature treating this subject far exceeds and is more original and stimulatiing than- but not so obscene as-the crude and vulgar material now in wide circulation in the West. We may discuss here some of the remarks made by these early authorities. They stress the importance of premliminary love play-caresses, fondling, kissing, endearing words- in order to arouse the wife's sexual passion and prepare for a deeper sensation and a successful conclusion. At the beginning of actual coitus, it is recommended that the following prayer be said:
In the name of Almighty God, the Most High, Please,God, ward off the evil forces away from us and from the blessings You bestow upon us.
The authorities also recommend that in the process of coitus, especially before full penetration, the excitable areas of the male genitals be gently provoked to contribute to completl fulfillment. We have to remind the reader, however, that even at this moment of absorption and ecstasy, propriety and cleanliness have to be maintained. On the one hand, both partners may utter exclamations or ejaculations venting or expressing the intensity of their pleasure, which also may increase the degree of their excitation; but neither may scream to the degree of disrupting the natural privacy of the act. Some Companions of the Prophet, peace be upon him, recommend the repetition of the words: Allahu Akbar, "God is Great."
On the other hand, it is to be remembered that the liquid (lubricating) material discharged by the sex organs on excitement is counted as a pollution and a polluting element in Islam and that a Muslim is forbidden to smear a part of his or her body with a polluting stuff unnecessarily. Therefore the custom of licking the excitable areas with the tongue said to prevail in the West may not only be unhealthy; it is also forbidden on that account. We also feel that it is indeed disgusting; and this disgust might in the long run plant the seeds of hatred in the hearts of the couple and ultimately break their rellationship.
The position to be assumed by male and female in relation to each other during coitus occupied a great deal of the attention of Muslim authors who treated the subject. They compiled some fifteen basic different positions; and within each choice they suggest varieties of details.
We do not need to discuss this matter here at length, since husband and wife, in their search for their own fulfillment, can easily discover these varieties and select what they find to be most suitable and comfortable for themselves. Muslim writers also emphasize that the husband should endeavor to achieve mutual orgasm. If he should fail to hold out sufficiently for his partner, they say he should continue his efforts to have her reach a climax. To rush away from her too soon might be injurious.
They also recommend that parting at the end of the act should be slow, pleasant and cordial, not abrupt or indifferent.
After some rest both parties have to have the full ablution (a bath). This duty does not need to be rushed; but when the time of the next prayer comes, it has to be performed to remove the ceremonial pollution arising from coitus. Prior to having this bath, the parties, like a woman during her priod of menstrual dischage, are forbidden to perform prayers or to touch or read the Quran. Moreover, it is better to delay hair cutting and fingernail-clipping until after the ablution.
It is also recommended that the husband seek to introduce changes and variations in his approach and in the performance, even in little details, in order to avoid boredom. Variations also create a sense of novelty, and novelty stimulates interest and curiosity; and this intensifies the feeling of pleasure and enjoyment. These Muslim etiquettes are probably best summed up in the following words attributed to the Prophet:
Let not one of you fall upon his woman in the manner a male animal suddenly jumps over its female victim. Let there be a messenger [to go] between them." He was asked, "What is the messenger, O Messenger of God?" He said, "Kissing and endearing speech.
Another tradition reads:
Three practices are shortcomings in a man; namely, to fail to enquire about the name of a man he has just encountered, but was worty of friendship; to refuse a favor extended to him in good faith; and to assault his woman without introductory entertainment [to stimulate her] and so he satisfies his own desire before she can achieve her own fulfillment.
When one of you retires with his wife, let them not strip off their clothes completely in an animal-like manner; and let him begin by [stimulating her by the use of] fine exciting speech and by kissing.
In the course of their game of pleasure a husband and his wife may enjoy and fondle any part of the body of each other; and their engagement in this kind of activity is regarded as a type of divine devotion. However, a husband is discouraged from looking at his wife's gentials, perhaps for its adverse psychological effect. Moreover, coitus is strictly forbidden during the menstrual period; and penertration in the back passage is always forbidden. If the femal genitals are to be avoided during the menstrual period, presumably because of their temporary blood pollution, a filthier pollution is an enternal factor in the case of the back passage. Prohibition also applies to all types of unnatural and unproductive activities, whether committed between two persons of the same sex or otherwise.
Early Muslim authorities also discussed the advisable frequency of coitus. Some advised that the experience should be repeated at least once every four days. It seems, however, that the matter of frequency should be left to the mood and the personal inclination of the parties concerned, which indeed depend on many factors, including their age and the condtion of their health.
5. A husband should also see to it that his wife has sufficient knowledge of her religious obligations and encourage her in observing her devotional duties. Of special importance are the rules pertaining to the menstrual period. During this period, as well as during the period of postnatal dischange, the oblgation of mandatory prayer is lifted; and coitus is forbidden. The prohibition of coitus is lifted when the blood discharge has stopped and the woman has had the ablution of a full bath.
6. A husband should not harbor doubts or suspicion about his wife unduly. Jealousy is indeed a natural element; and a husband is not to be too indulgent or to remain indifferent in reasonably provocative situations, and surely must guard his wife against all corruptive influences. Yet he should not allow fanciful thoughts to engage his mind and should not behave in a spying manner toward his wife. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said:
There is a type of jealousy which God loves and there is another type which God hates. As for that which God loves, it is the jealousy which is provoked by a legitimate cause of suspicion; and that which God hates is the jealousy which is unduly aroused.
The Prophet once asked Fatimah, his own daugher, "What is best for a woman?" She replied, "That she should not mix with men and men should not mix with her." The Prophet, who was pleased with her answer, hugged her and said, "An offspring resembling its roots." Thus a happy life depends on mutual trust between the partners; and all that has to be done is to keep away from situations that are likely to incite evil or arouse suspicion.
[...]
8. If the wife becomes pregnant, her husband should display greater consideration for her and should do all he can to alleviate her discomfort. When she is delivered, he should be grateful to God for her safety and for what God has beneficently graced them with. If his wife has been delivered of a male child, he should not go out of his way to show his pleasure; and if it is a female, he should not at all feel disheartened. After all, he does not know which is better for him. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, says:
Whoever is graced with a daughter and treats her well and lavished upon her some of the favors God has bestowed upon him, she will be a protection for him against the punishment of the Hell Fire.
Whoever brings home some good things to his children, it will be counted as a divine charity for him. Let him begin by giving the female ones. Whoever cheers up a female child shall have the merit of him who weeps out of divine fear of God; and whoever so intensely fears God, God will protect him from the Hell Fire.
Whoever has two daughers or two sisters under his care and treats them well, he will be my companion in Paradise.
A child, however, should be given a good name, evein if it is delivered in a miscarriage. And shortly after a child's safe birth, the full text of the call to prayer should be recited in its right ear, and the short one in its left ear. It is recommended that a boy be circumcised on the seventh day of his birth, excluding the day of birth itself. Whether it is a boy or a girl, it is recommended that the family then hold a feast for which a lamb or larger animal should be sacrificed. Some of the meat should be distributed to the poor, as well as the value of gold whose weight is the weight of the baby's hair. The sacrifice offered on the seventh day of birth is known as 'aqiqah.
THE WIFE'S DUTIES
1. The first task of the wife is to create a home a soft relaxing atmosphere in which she and her husband can live together smoothly, happily and enjoyably. The way in which this is to be acheived depends on her taste and their means and upon prevaling values and conditions.
2. A wife must be faithful and devoted to her husband. Her loyalty is due to him first, even before her kin. She should avoid associating with undesirable or suspicous elements and should not entertain alone any male friends.
3. The management of the household is the wife's primary responsibility. She has to take care of meal preparation, house-cleaning and laundry. Whether she undertakes these tasks herself or has them done under her careful supervision, it is her task to manage them in the best interests of the family. She may expect some cooperation from her husband, but this should depend on what he can afford to do. What is important is the mutual goodwill and love which will no doubt stimulate each party to alleviate the burden of the other as much as possible.
4. The wife should not be too demanding; she must be contented, and appreciative of any kind gesture her husband may extend to her. She should not insist on buying expensive clothes or luxurious peices of furniture beyond her husband's means.
5. The wife should take care of herself in order to appear always cheerful, charming and attractive to her husband. She should always smell good and may reasonably apply cosmetics but should avoid excessive use of it. Such excess is not only financially unwise but also psychologically harmful. It makes her beauty appear to be merely artificial. An ancient Arab women advised her daugher on her wedding day:
O my daugher! you are leaving the home in which you were brought up to a house unknown to you and to a companion unfamilar to you. Be a floor to him, he will be a roof to you; be a soft seat to him, he will be a pillar for you; and be like a slave girl to him, he will be like a slave boy to you. Avoid inopportune behavior, lest he should be bored with you; and be not aloof lest he should become indifferent to you. If he approaches you, come running to him; and if he turns away, do not impose yourself upon him. Take care of his nose, his eye and his ear. Let him not smell except a good odor from you; let his eye not see you except in an agreeable appearance; and let him hear nothing from you except nice, fine words.
6. In managing the household, the wife should economize and avoid extravagance. She is not to give of her husband's wealth except within the degreee he approves of. Whatever she gives within this degree, she will share in its divine reward; and what she gives away beyond it will be to the advantage of her husband and to her own disadvantage on the Day of Judgment.
[...]
An objective analysis of the above outline of the mutual rights and obligations of a husband and wife as set out and stipulated by Islam for the guidance of its adherents reveals the following facts:
1. The husband-wife relationship is to be based not on dry legal rules or decisions of the court but on mutal respect, love and regard.
2. The husband is alone responsible for the entire cost of, and the wife is the misstress of, the household. The objective of each is to serve the other and to provide to the other means of comfort, enjoyment and happiness; and the aim of both is to acheive optimum bliss for themselves and to contribute through their offspring to the perpetuation of the human race.
3. A woman is not a chattel or a blind follower but an equal partner. However, her soft nature, her beautiful natural role as the partner who is to provide more for the sexual attraction and excitement, her monthly menstrual discharge with its attending psychological and physical adverse effects, her childbearing and child-rearing--all these natural considerations, not a male dictatorship as has recently been contended, have made her the dependent but respected, virtuous and beloved partner.
4. Within the framework of the above basic considerations, and within the Islamic flexibility which has regard for custom and prevaling traditions, consistent with the moral values of Islam, the couple may choose any type of arrangement for the distribution of their mutual responsiblities in order to meet their needs as they may see fit in the conditions prevailing where they live.
5. An interesting point which emphasizes that the wife does not lose her own independent character on gettting marries is that she always retains her full maiden name. So Miss Nancy Jones on her marriage to Mr. Martin James is called Lady Nancy Jones and not Mrs. James. She may be called Lady Nancy Jones, wife of Mr. James, but not simply Mrs. James. This point is significant, as it expresses both a wife's greater freedom under Islam and her continued relation with her own family.
Relation Ship Husband & Wife
Subject: Re: Sexual Relations Between Husband & Wife
XXXX wrote:
: Hello: : As a recently married Muslim, I was hoping someone could refer me to : sources which can guide me as to what is permissible in Islam between a : man and his wife. I once heard of an Islamic book called "Perfumed : Garden"? Is there such a publication? Or could someone suggest other : sources. In particular, I needed to know what the five schools of thought : advised on oral sex or fellatio. Please email or post responses. Thank : you.
alssalaamu 3alaykum
May Allah bless you and your wife with his blessing and unite you in harmony and happiness.
The book you mentioned (_The Perfumed Garden_) was written in Tunisia in the 16th century A.D. by Cheikh 'Omar bin Sidi en-Nefzawi. It is a sort of marriage manual written in a rather provocative and lewd style. Even the author himself acknowledges its lascivious nature by ending it with these words: "I have indeed committed a sin by writing this book. Forgive me O Thou to whom we call not in vain. O Allah, do not confound me for this on the Day of Judgment. And you, O Reader, I beg you to say 'Amen'." The book is an interesting historical and cultural oddity; it is not to be recommended as an educational manual for married couples.
The principles of conjugal love in Islam are few and uncomplicated.
1. Sexual relations are for the pleasure of both the husband and the wife and for the procreation of children. Sexual intercourse is not limited to vaginal penetration but includes other forms of sexual caressing, such as kissing and fondling of various kinds.
2. Nothing should be done that is offensive or harmful to either person. Each has a duty to be sexually available to the other, but neither has the right to disgust or injure the other.
3. With a few exceptions, the couple can engage in any activities that they like, in any manner and in any position. Allah rewards such activities as surely as he punishes sinful activities. The Qur'an says, "Women are your fields. Go then into your fields as you please." (2:223)
4. It is forbidden to have vaginal intercourse while a woman is menstruating (Qur'an 2:222). According to the Sunnah of the Prophet (God's grace and peace be upon him), a man and his menstruating wife can however give one another pleasure so long as the woman's genitals are avoided.
5. There are ahadith that forbid anal intercourse and scholars generally agree that it is not permissible. However, in his tafsir (commentary) Tabaari (3d century A.H.) while forbidding sodomy, says that earlier authorities were divided on the question.
6. The Qur'an and the Sunnah are generally silent as to the various forms that sexual relations may take. Most authorities consider that it is up to the husband and wife in love and mutual respect to decide how to physically express their sexual desires.
7. What goes on in bedroom, is a private matter and should not be discussed or revealed to other persons unless there is some necessity, such as health or safety. Abu Hurairah narrates that the Prophet (pbuh) said this about people who reveal and discuss openly their sexual practices: "Do you know what those who do this are like? Those who do this are like a male and female devil who meet each other on the road and satisfy their desire while the people look on."
Therefore, in Islam the husband and the wife choose their sexual activities according to the sure teaching of the Qur'an, in the light of the Sunnah as we are able to understand and appreciate it, in mutual respect for one another and knowing that the only witness to the expression of their desires will be Allah the Exalted, who will judge them according to their deeds and their heartfelt intentions.
The question of the lawfulness of oral-genital contact is difficult because there are many opinions. For some, it is forbidden. For others, tolerated. For some it is lawful. Some consider it to be lawful as long as the couple use such contacts as foreplay and conclude their love-making with vaginal intercourse.
I believe that this is a matter to be decided by the husband and wife together after seeking the guidance of Allah, who alone knows best.
Peace to all who seek God's face.
WHO PRACTICES POLYGAMY?
Polygamy has been practiced by mankind for thousands of years.
Many of the ancient Israelites were polygamous, some having
hundreds of wives. King Solomon (peace be upon him) is said to
have had seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines.
David (Dawood) had ninety-nine and Jacob (Yacub, peace be upon
them both) had four. Advice given by some Jewish wise men state
that no man should marry more than four wives. No early society
put any restrictions on the number of wives or put any
conditions about how they were to be treated. Jesus was not
known to have spoken against polygamy. As recently as the
seventeenth century, polygamy was practiced and accepted by the
Christian Church. The Mormons (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter
Day Saints) has allowed and practiced polygamy in the United
States.
Monogamy was introduced into Christianity at the time of Paul
when many revisions took place in Christianity. This was done
in order for the church to conform to the Greco-Roman culture
where men were monogamous but owned many slaves who were free
for them to use: in other words, unrestricted polygamy.
Early Christians invented ideas that women were "full of sin"
and man was better off to "never marry." Since this would be
the end of mankind these same people compromised and said "marry
only one."
In the American society many times when relations are strained,
the husband simply deserts his wife. The he cohabits with a
prostitute or other immoral woman without marriage. Actually
there are three kinds of polygamy practiced in Western
societies: (1) serial polygamy, that is, marriage, divorce,
marriage, divorce, and so on any number of times; (2) a man
married to one woman but having and supporting one or more
mistresses; (3) an unmarried man having a number of mistresses.
Islam condones but discourages the first and forbids the other
two.
Wars cause the number of women to greatly exceed the number of
men. In a monogamous society these women, left without husbands
or support, resort to prostitution, illicit relationships with
married men resulting in illegitimate children with no
responsibility on the part of the father, or lonely spinsterhood
or widowhood.
Some Western men take the position that monogamy protects the
rights of women. But are these men really concerned about the
rights of women? The society has so many practices which
exploit and suppress women, leading to women's liberation
movements from the suffragettes of the early twentieth century
to the feminists of today.
The truth of the matter is that monogamy protects men, allowing
them to "play around" without responsibility. Easy birth
control and easy legal abortion has opened the door of illicit
sex to woman and she has been lured into the so-called sexual
revolution. But she is still the one who suffers the trauma of
abortion and the side effects of the birth control methods.
Taking aside the plagues of venereal disease, herpes and AIDS,
the male continues to enjoy himself free of worry. Men are the
ones protected by monogamy while women continue to be victims of
men's desires. Polygamy is very much opposed by the male
dominated society because it would force men to face up to
responsibility and fidelity. It would force them to take
responsibility for their polygamous inclinations and would
protect and provide for women and children.
Among all the polygamous societies in history there were none
which limited the number of wives. All of the relationships
were unrestricted. In Islam, the regulations concerning
polygamy limit the number of wives a man can have while making
him responsible for all of the women involved.
"Marry women of your choice, two or three or four; but if you
fear that you shall not be able to deal justly with them, then
only one or one that your right hands possess. That will be
more suitable, to prevent you from doing injustice." (Qur'an
4:3)
This verse from the Qur'an allows a man to marry more than one
woman but only if he can deal justly with them. Another verse
says that a person is unable to deal justly between wives, thus
giving permission but discouraging.
"You will never be able to deal justly between wives however
much you desire (to do so). But (if you have more than one
wife) do not turn altogether away (from one), leaving her in
suspense..." (Qur'an 4:129)
While the provision for polygamy makes the social system
flexible enough to deal with all kinds of conditions, it is not
necessarily recommended or preferred by Islam. Taking the
example of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) is
instructive. He was married to one woman, Khadijah, for
twenty-five years. It was only after her death when he had
reached the age of fifty that he entered into other marriages to
promote friendships, create alliances or to be an example of
some lesson to the community; also to show the Muslims how to
treat their spouses under different conditions of life.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) was given inspiration from Allah
about how to deal with multiple marriages and the difficulties
encountered therein. It is not an easy matter for a man to
handle two wives, two families, and two households and still be
just between the two. No man of reasonable intelligence would
enter into this situation without a great deal of thought and
very compelling reasons (other than sexual).
Some people have said that the first wife must agree to the
second marriage. Others have said that the couple can put it
into the marriage contract that the man will not marry a second
wife. First of all, neither the Qur'an nor Hadith state that
the first wife need be consulted at all concerning a second
marriage let alone gain her approval. Consideration and
compassion on the part of the man for his first wife should
prompt him to discuss the matter with her but he is not required
to do so or to gain her approval. Secondly, the Qur'an has
explicitly given permission for a man to marry "two or three or
four." No one has the authority to make a contract forbidding
something that has been granted by Allah.
The bottom line in the marriage relationship is good morality
and happiness, creating a just and cohesive society where the
needs of men and women are well taken care of. The present
Western society, which permits free sex between consenting
adults, has given rise to an abundance of irresponsible sexual
relationships, an abundance of "fatherless" children, many
unmarried teenage mothers; all becoming a burden on the
country's welfare system. In part, such an undesirable welfare
burden has given rise to bloated budget deficits which even an
economically powerful country like the United States cannot
accommodate. Bloated budget deficits have become a political
football which is affecting the political system of the United
States.
In short, we find that artificially created monogamy has become
a factor in ruining the family structure, and the social,
economic and political systems of the country.
It must be a prophet, and indeed it was Prophet Muhammad (peace
be upon him) who directed Muslims to get married or observe
patience until one gets married. 'Abdullah b. Mas'ud reported
Allah's messenger as saying, "Young man, those of you who can
support a wife should marry, for it keeps you from looking at
strange women and preserves you from immorality; but those who
cannot should devote themselves to fasting, for it is a means of
suppressing sexual desire." (Bukhari and Muslim)
Islam wants people to be married and to develop a good family
structure. Also Islam realizes the requirements of the society
and the individual in special circumstances where polygamy can
be the solution to problems. Therefore, Islam has allowed
polygamy, limiting the number of wives to four, but does not
require or even recommend polygamy.
In the Muslim societies of our times, polygamy is not frequently
practiced despite legal permission in many countries. It
appears that the American male is very polygamous, getting away
with not taking responsibility for the families he should be
responsible for.
--Mary Ali
(NOTE: In this article polygamy has been used to mean polygyny
meaning having two or more wives. Islam forbids polyandry
meaning having two or more husbands.)
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Subj: dealings of the Prophet (saw)
asselamu alaikum wr wb sisters.
Jummah Mubarek:-)
here's something...as part of sis net Khutbah :-) ok..i'm just sharing this w/ u all since i think it to be beautiful:-) inshaAllah this posting is just some of many examples of the beautiful qualities of our Prophet Muhammed (pbuh) that we as those who strive to be righteous believers need to learn/know & perhaps share w/ our hubbies. :-)
(my fiance lives in new hampshire & i way back here in windy texas:-( alhamdu'Lilah:-) one of his favorite hobby is studying about the lives/qualities of the Prophets (pbu them all) w/ primary emphasis being on P.Muhammed (pbuh)...u know since the others need more filtering...ie studying the bible (more like hadeeth about Jesus ) to know of P.Jesus(pbuh)'s qualities requieres more keen analysis of what's really from him vs. from his followers. anyway, since i'm not w/ him, he sometimes e-mails things such as follows:)
i have been reading this book, "aswaee-rasool" but it is unfortunately in urdu..but it is very interesting; it talks about the daily things/habits of the prophet... i specially liked the chpter about his dealings with his wives..i will translate most of it for you...these are all based on ahadeeth...
1: he did give divorce but later reconsiled
2: he also got separation without divorce from some of his wives for about a month..
3: he used to lie down with his head on aisha's thighs, and would recite the quraan in this position..even when she would be having her period...
4: after asar prayer he would visit all his wives...they would talk about past events and daily things and he would listen...sometimes he would tell them about some past events from his life. aisha says that he would sit among his wives and talk and laugh and it would not seem that he is a mighty messanger of Allah. but when the time for prayer would come, he would stop everything else..
5: the prophet made love to his wives at different times of the night..
6: he would invite the girls of the ansaar to come to his house and play with aisha. sometimes he would join them. when aisha would drink water from a cup, he would place his lips at the same place where she had placed her lips, and drink water. when she would eat meat off of a bone, he would place his mouth at the same place...
7: once he challenged aisha to a sprint. she beat him as she was young and agile..a few years later he challenged her again and this time he beat her as she had put on some weight..the prophet said " you beat me the first time...today i have taken my revenge " :-)
8: he never shouted at his wives..if he did not like something he just would not talk to them...
9: aisha says that he would always enter the house smiling.
10: aisha says that once she cooked for him..hafsa also cooked for him at the same time. she told her servent to go and drop hafsa's food. the servent did that. the pan in which hafsa brought the food also fell down and broke. the prophet picked up hafsa's food and ate it and told hafsa to take aisha's pan as compensation...
11: aisha says , " i brought harara to the prophet one day. sauda was also there. i asked her to eat it too. for some reason she refused. i said, either you eat it or i will smear it on your face. she refused to eat..so i dipped my hand in the harara and smeared it all over her face. when the prophet saw this he started to laugh. he pinned me down with his hands, and asked sauda to smear my face with harara. she did that, and the prophet started to laugh again."
12: aisha says that the prophet often talked about khadija and that made aisha jealouse. one day she said to the prophet that khadija was old and had lost all her looks; why does he still talk about her when Allah has given him better ones (meaning herself) . the prophet said that Allah has not given him one better than khadija; she was his only friend and believer when the whole world was against him...
13: aisha says that at the time of his death the prophet was lying with his head resting on her chest.
dear love... i wish that these type of things are included in our education curriculum, so that muslims (especially men) know how to treat their wives...there is other stuff about the prophet's life that i will translate for you from time to time....
can u just imagine a husband similar w/ the qualities of our beloved Prophet (pbuh)???? :-) mashaAllah!!!
once more...Jummah Mubarak:-) ma'selamah wr wb.
ps: if anyone of sis-neters wanna share any of my postings for any reason, please feel free to do so, but try to keem my name ananumous somehow. jezakum'Allah khairan.
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