The First Wife

by Shaikh Mahmoud Murad

I begin with the name of Allah (SWT)

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh (Muslimeen),

First of all, I would like to commend the sister who frankly opened up the topic of polygyny and those sisters and brothers who are supportive of her.

I have read all of the comments on the issue of polygyny, and I would like to say few words of clarification.

A Muslim woman who resents having a co-wife may not realize that she may end up resenting the Divine decree which allows man to marry more than wife. This in itself is a serious cause for apostasy. It is of course, a natural for many women to be jealous of any woman sharing her husband, but to be jealous is one thing, and to hate the divine choice, or decree is different altogether. Allah (SWT) says:

"And it does not behoof a believing man or a believng woman when Allah and His Messenger have decided a matter, that theere should be a choice regarding their own affairs."(33:36)

Allah the Exalted, who created us knows best what suits human being and what does not. If it were left to us we would never be able to handle our own affairs not even for a second. It is for this reason the Prophet (SAW) used to supplicate:

"O Allah, do not commit me to my own self for running my own affairs not even for a flicker of an eye."

Allah, the Exalted, says in surat an-Nisa':

"And if you fear that you may not be able to treat orphan girls with fairness, then marry women as you may please, two, three or four." (4:3)

This meaning of this ayah, according to Ibn Katheer, refers to a custodian who has an orphan girl under his custody, and wishes to marry her, but does not want to give her a dower equal to that of a girl of her age and standing. Allah (SWT) says that he may marry someone else; two, three and four.

The point I am raising her is Allah (SWT) starts with saying: Marry two, not one. This according to some scholars mean that man should marry more than just one, rather two or more.

The second point is the real meaning of fairness. Some like to think that fairness applies to everything which is relevant to marriage. But this is not true. For love is a thing which man has no control over. It mainly applies to time allotment.

Third, the first wife, usually feels hurt if not insulted if her husband marries a second wife, and this feeling is magnified by the social norms that are unfortunately prevalent in many Muslim communities throughout the Muslim world. Many women are raised with the idea of the second wife is evil from young age, and is hard for them to think of her otherwise. Although there are men who live with their wives more happily than those who are married to one wife. I personally know of an Arab brother whose wives are living together in the same house like sisters. One of them, has he told me, would not eat until her other co-wives come and eat with her.

I also know of an American brother who has four wives who are living in harmony. In fact they all participate in running the family business. This is really fantastic (Masha-Allah!).

Here are some words of advice for the first wife:

1- Be aware that the media is the main culprit in this time and age due to the fact that it is controlled by a gang of secular or modernist people who want to take the Muslim women out of their home to elbow men in public and private life. They magnify the petite problems that erupt in a family of two-wife husband, and ignite the hatred between the two wives. The first wife should ask herself: Is she the first woman whose husband brought her a co-wife? Or better yet: Is she better than our Mother A'ishah (RA), the mother of the Believers, may Allah be pleased with her and her father, Ameen?

2- Apply wisdom, and do not weigh things with the scale of emotions, for this may take away from rationalism, and make you lose the love and respect of your husband and the others.

3-When your husband marries another woman, it does not mean that there is a problem; probably he wants only to use a legal right of his, and in many cases his second marriage strengthens his love for you.

4-If you consider marrying a second wife by your husband a catastrophe, then you should be grateful to Allah (SWT) that it was not worse, that is, you did not lose your husband altogether by death or something else. Allah (SWT) says:

"You may hate a thing and turns out to be good for you, and you may like a thing and it turns out to be bad for you, for Allah knows and you do not."

And if you consider the second marriage as a museebah (a catastrophe) and you endure it patiently, Allah (SWT) will reward for your patience.

5- Remember always that shaitan is keen on destroying your family life,therefore never give shaitan the chance to prevail. Allah (SWT) says:

"Verily, shaitan is your enemy, therefore take him for an enemy."

6-Do not succumb to the idea that your husband loves the second wife more than he loves you. In many cases this is an illusion created by shaitan to incite against the second wife who usually is innocent. For even if he does love her more that he loves you, it would not be her fault, may be she takes care of him more than you do. That does not justify hating the second wife.

7- Never complain to your friends about the second marriage, for the more you do so the more you worries grow.

8-Try to win the side of your husband fairly. Do not meet him with a gloomy or angry or sad face. Keep away from nagging and arguing. This is one of the major reason which keeps man away from home, particularly when the second wife does the opposite.

9-Let your husband find repose and comfort with your company.

10-Finally, never ever rejoice over the divorce of the second wife, and remember if you do so the term might revolve around to be yours. Never rejoice over the misfortunes of the others. and treat them the way you like them to treat you.

Finally, I ask Allah (SWT) to show us the right path and inspire us to follow and show us the wrong path and inspire us to avoid it, al hamdu lillah Rabbil-Aalameen. Ameen!