Issues on Marriage and Sexual Relations Outside Marriage

Q 1. Does the religion of Islam permit a grown up boy and grown up girl to meet and spend time together before their marriage? (M.Aslam, Chesterfield, Mo)

A 1. The Prophet -peace be upon him- not only permitted but encouraged the young people to see their prospective spouses before engagement. It is reported by Jabir -may Allah be pleased with him- that the Prophet -peace be upon him- said, "When one of you make a proposal of marriage to a woman, if you can see what can invite you to marry her then do so." When Mughirah bin Shu'bah made a proposal of marriage to woman, the Prophet -peace be upon him- asked him, "Have you seen her?" He said, "No." The Prophet said to him, "See her, because this may make your relationship more permanent." (Reported by Nasa'i, Ibn Majah and al-Timidhi)

On the basis of these and other similar Ahadith, the jurists have said that it is allowed for a boy and girl who are considering to marry each other to see and meet each other in the presence of their adult relatives. The meetings should be supervised and with proper Islamic dress and etiquettes.

They are not allowed to go out alone or to spend time together alone. Even after engagement (khitbah) they should not have any unsupervised meetings. They may talk to each other on telephone occasionally or they may write to each other, but they should observe haya' in their conversations and must always remember that they are still unmarried and whatever is allowed for married couples is not yet allowed to them.

In the past some Muslims used to take an extreme position in this matter. They would not allow their boys and girls to see their prospective spouses at all. The first time they would see and meet each other would be on the night of their union. This was just a cultural practice and not an Islamic custom. But now the trend has gone to another extreme un-Islamic practice. It is observed in many Muslim -even in some religious- families that boys and girls are allowed to meet freely and go out without any supervision. This is haram and it must be stopped. Such practices, if continued, will corrupt Muslim families and weaken our family structure just as it happened to many non-Muslim families.

Q 2. Some Women go unmarried throughout life due to certain social factors against their will. Are these women allowed sex in any way at any time of their life, outside the wedlock? (Zahid Yzdanie, Irvine, Ca)

A 2. It is a very sad things to see that Muslim women or men suffer unmarried life due to un-Islamic social factors. We must blame our un-Islamic social customs and materialistic outlook that cause some men and women to remain unmarried. Some young people or their parents have very high expectations for their spouses. They make very difficult standards of education, profession, wealth or physical features. The result is that such people remain unmarried or others do not marry them because they do not meet those standards. We Muslims must emphasize that best criteria according to Islam is good character. The Prophet -peace be upon him- said, "If someone whose faith and morals you trust makes a proposal of marriage to you then marry him, otherwise there will be trials and much corruption in the land."

As Muslims it is also our duty to help our Muslim brothers and sisters to get married. Allah says in the Qur'an, "And help to get married those among you who are single or the virtuous ones of your slaves, males or females. If they are in poverty Allah will give them means out of His grace. For Allah encompasses all and knows all things." (Al-Noor 24:32)

However, if for any reason a man or a woman were not able to marry, then they must observe abstinence. They have no other way. Allah says in the Qur'an that the believing men and believing women guard their private parts from committing any illicit sexual act. (Al-Noor 24:30; Al-Ahzab 33:35) Sexual relations are allowed only among the married couples. Outside marriage sex is not allowed in Islam. The Prophet -peace be upon him- said, " O young people, whoever among you can afford it, let him/her get married, because marriage protects the private parts of the body (from illicit relations) and it guards the eyes from straying. But those who cannot afford it then let them fast, because fasting will curb their sexual urge."

Q 3. I understand that our Prophet -peace be upon him- forbade men and women to change their shape. Does it mean that Muslims are not allowed to have liposuction or other types of cosmetic surgeries? Are these surgeries haram in Islam? (A. Ahmad, Houston, Texas)

A 3. The general rule in Islam is that one should be satisfied with the way Allah has created him/her. One should not spend too much time or money on changing ones shape or style. Instead of wasting ones time being preoccupied with the body one should rather give time to the worship of Allah and to the acts of goodness and charity.

In the Qur'an Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says that it is Satan who "will command (his devotees) to change what Allah has created…" (4:119) It is also reported in a Hadith that the Prophet -peace be upon him- cursed the tattooer and the person who is tattooed and the one who shortens the teeth and one whose teeth are shortened (reported by Muslim). In another Hadith he condemned those women who widen the gap between their teeth for the sake of beauty.

On the basis of this Qur'anic verse and the Ahadith on this subject, Muslim jurists considered all cosmetic surgeries haram, unless they are done to correct a defect that causes hardship to a person physically or psychologically or to improve his/her performance. In the famous al-Fatawa al-Hindiyah it is mentioned that if a person has an extra finger in his hand or a similar problem, then there is no harm to remove it. Dr. Yusuf al-Qaradawi in his book The Lawful and the Prohibited in Islam has mentioned an Egyptian jurist's statement who said, "It may happen that a person has an unusual physical defect which attracts the attention of others to the point of inflicting physical and psychological pain every time he meets people. In this case, he may treat the defect and thus alleviate the embarrassment which made his life miserable. Allah the Most Merciful has imposed no hardship on us in religion."

Q 4. To remove unwanted hair is it allowed to use hair removing lotions?

A 4. All safe methods to remove unwanted hair are permissible in Islam. In the past Muslim jurists allowed the use of lime (al-nawrah) or some other depilatory agents, so in a similar fashion modern lotions (if they are safe for the skin) can be considered permissible. It is a Sunnah to remove the pubic hair and hair under the armpits for the purposes of general hygiene and cleanliness. Hair in these areas are considered unwanted. It is makruh to let them grow for more than forty days.